“I’ve noticed something truly valuable that Brayden (not his real name) is learning this year as a senior,” his mom said. Brayden’s mom had attended my program on how to “Communicate Confidently with Just About Anyone.”
Amy: “What’s he learning this year?”
Mom: “How to navigate conversations. It’s particularly challenging because he is on the autism spectrum. He gets anxious because he doesn’t know how his difference is going to impact people or how they’re going to react to him.”
Amy: “I can imagine conversations would be intimidating when you can’t read people’s reactions or anticipate their actions. And I’m sure it makes things worse that people often don’t know how to talk with someone who is neurodivergent.
Mom: “Exactly.”
Amy: “Based on what you heard in my program, may I make a suggestion for him?”
Mom: “Sure!”
A suggestion
Amy: “You might remember the tool I called ‘Share Short’ [she nodded]: Share one thing in a sentence or two about yourself so that the other person knows where you’re coming from. So for example he might say, ‘I’m on the spectrum and not always aware of how my words impact people. It helps me if you let me know how my words come across.’
“I make this suggestion because it works for my daughter. She’s not on the spectrum but her job, as a journalist, depends on her learning a person’s story. More often than not, they have a very different experience or background. She and I figured out a long time ago that, if she owns her difference up front, that can make the other person feel more comfortable opening up. For example, if she’s talking with a person of color, she might say, ‘I’m white and have just my own point of view that can limit my understanding of a situation. It would help me if you’d share your experience so I can learn and get more of the story.’
“How does that idea land for you?”
Mom: “I love that idea. [She hesitates.] I’m also trying to picture Brayden saying that.”
Amy: “Is that because it can be scary to own your difference out loud?”
Mom: “Yeah, exactly.”
Amy: “Can I offer a different perspective on your concern?”
Mon: “Of course.”
Amy: “You’re right. It does take courage to name your difference. Also, the thing that feels like vulnerability within us actually looks like courage to others. Owning your difference comes across strong.”
Mom: “That’s a good point. I’ve noticed that too.”
Amy: “When you bring the idea to him, you can take the pressure off by suggesting that every conversation is a learning conversation for everybody in it. No one ever really knows where a conversation is going or how they’ll impact the other person. Just like I never would have anticipated you and me talking about neurodivergence. Every encounter is just another opportunity to practice having compassion for the other person in their circumstances and creating a connection. That’s cultural intelligence in action.”
Mom: “That’s really helpful. Let me circle back and let you know Brayden’s response.”
In the meantime
Because I practice what I teach, I tried out my own suggestion at my next networking event. I watched for an opportunity to “Share short” at the event.
“I paid attention to the courage I had to muster to name my difference out loud. After I spoke with a small group of people for about 10 minutes, I told them, ‘I’m gregarious but I’m also an introvert, so networking doesn’t come easy. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do the hard work of joining another group. I gotta keep practicing.” All three people in the group lit up.
One said, “Oh my gosh, I’ve never heard it said that way. I’m gregarious but networking is hard for me too.”
Another said, “I know, right?! It can be hard to work a room.”
And another person said, “Thanks for letting us know. Good luck!”
Two more times that morning I owned my difference. Every time I was greeted with surprise, appreciation and grace. It seemed to me that people, at least in that gathering, appreciated me being real, a little transparent and a little vulnerable.”
I emailed Brayden’s mom to tell her how my experiment went.
His mom’s reply
Mom: “Amy, I love this story. I love that you practice what you teach. I think most people, in those moments of awkwardness, lean into pretending they are comfortable and it doesn’t work well. It’s courageous to show your vulnerability that way. It sounds like your authenticity gave those people courage to own their own discomfort and created a real moment of connection for you all.
“You’ve inspired me to follow up with Brayden. I want him to be in a good headspace when he provides feedback, so I’ll loop back with you soon.”
Brayden’s response
Brayden’s mom emailed me back. She told me Brayden said, “I think this could be useful to people. I have started owning my difference when I think it’s necessary and it does help. But doing it at the beginning of every new interaction feels forced to me. When I do use it, I say: ‘I have autism and I can’t always understand people’s feelings or communicate in the best way. Please let me know how my words come across.’”
Mom: “I have seen him do this, and it does seem to make a difference for him. I’m not sure he consistently remembers to ask how he’s coming across, so sometimes I gently remind him of that strategy. I think it’s one of the most important parts. Thank you for learning and growing along with us.”
Action steps for everyone
When an encounter is new, you may feel uncomfortable. However, if you’re safe, you can…
- Notice your feelings and the potential for being courageous.
- Share short: In one or two sentences, name the thing that’s unique about you that could give someone the impression you don’t understand.
- Make your request to learn from the other person.
To own your difference can be counter-intuitive and is counter-cultural. Though not often done, it’s what creates connection and compassion between colleagues, clients, neighbors and family. And since corporate and community culture is built one encounter at a time, applying cultural intelligence this way is a means to greater collaboration, retention and profit in any organization.
Dr. Amy is a speaker, author and coach. She works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. Click to learn the skills leaders need to talk, travel and work across cultures.
Photo credit: Ralph Katieb on Unsplash