“Several members of our leadership team are remote, so our weekly meetings are virtual. It makes me furious when they’re not engaged. Why show up if you’re not going to participate?!” said John, a CEO, in our executive coaching session.
Amy: “That is infuriating. What prompts you to bring it up?”
John: “I want them to be better.”
Amy: “I get that. I also know you can’t change them but you can change you.
John: “What do I need to change?”
Amy: “Think about what behaviors are infuriating. Then consider what you need to see instead.”
John: “I need them to be engaged and participate.”
Amy: “Exactly. What does that look and sound like? By that mean, what specific behaviors are you looking for?”
John: “Oh, I need their cameras on, cell phones down and eye contact. And I’d like them to contribute to the conversation. Some of them are totally silent.”
Amy: “That’s it. I’d recommend that you set those expectations for behavior in an email ahead of time, along with the objective for the meeting. That way they won’t be taken by surprise.
“Your email might include: ‘During tomorrow’s 10 AM meeting we’ll be [for example] brainstorming expectations for virtual calls. To make the most of our 50-minute meeting, I’d like each of us to:
- Turn on their camera,
- Set aside and silence your cell phone.
- Look at the screen.
- Aim to contribute at least twice in a meeting, either in chat, aloud or in an email after the meeting – in whichever way you feel most comfortable.’
”In the email, state day and time, a meeting outcome (a brainstormed list), a time-limit and then your expectations for behavior. When participants know what to expect, they’re typically more prepared, relaxed and collaborative.
“Also, if you allow people to participate in a way that’s most comfortable for them, those who are introverted, neurodivergent or from historically marginalized groups can feel safe sharing their ideas too. As time goes on, you’ll see them contributing more and more as they discover their needs are being accommodated.”
John: “That’ll work. But how do I make them do it?”
Amy: “You can’t make them, really. But you can encourage them by…
- Letting them know ahead of time what behaviors you’re looking for.
- Asking an open-ended question that doesn’t have a right/wrong answer, like: ‘What behaviors should everybody expect on a virtual call?’
- Following up with an email to each of them individually, saying thanks for showing up and naming something they did that was productive and helpful.
“Nobody is going to get all the behaviors right the first time but, with your encouragement and affirmation, they’ll get better and better. People like and need attention. If you reinforce the productive behavior, you’ll get more and more of it over time.”
John: “I’ve never sent a follow-up email like that before. They won’t believe me. Besides, what do I say?”
Amy: “You’re right; some may not believe you but some will. Once you’ve done it a few times, they’ll start to trust you. You can also give it a shot and see the response.
“As for what you say, reinforce the good stuff they did. You might say, ‘Eric, I saw you nodding and responding to what was being said in our meeting today. I appreciate your affirming posture and how you’re supporting this work. You and your leadership are vital to this team.’
“How’s that sound?”
John: “I’ll give it a shot.”
What happened
I got an email from John the next day. He said, “I did what you suggested and sent an email to each team member. You were right. Initially it felt a little different but by the time I was finished, I actually felt gratified in being able to personally connect with everyone and call out their helpful behaviors. A number of them responded almost instantly to the messages, and they’re all positive. This is incredible.”
To get from workplace drama and factions to collaborating teams, leaders can set in motion a new norm, a culturally intelligent system for communication. In this system, leaders communicate and reinforce expected behaviors while allowing for unique participation.
This allows leaders to gain the full strengths of their diverse workforce and build organic collaboration and retention because people feel valued, seen and heard. How people feel is essential to growing productivity, engagement and collaboration in any organization.
Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. To learn more about executive coaching, click for a free discovery call.
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