Empowering Partners
Why Not Ask Why?

Why Not Ask Why?

by | Oct 31, 2024 |

“People don’t answer questions anymore,” Andrea told me in an executive coaching session. Andrea is a systems engineer leader. Along with her other duties, she recently took on the role of mentoring emerging leaders at her company. In this session, she was wondering how to foster learning and still support those who weren’t answering her questions.

Amy: “What kinds of questions are you asking that they don’t answer?”

Andrea: “I ask them to explain why they did or said what they did in situations they bring up.”

Amy: “Ah, you want them to share their thought process so you can build on their current understanding.”

Andrea: “Exactly.”

Amy: “That’s effective mentoring, to learn their context and build on it rather than assume you know and just talk at them. That compassionate approach is cultural intelligence in action.”

Andrea: “I know it’s important, and yet I feel so frustrated they don’t want to answer my mentor’s-sort-of-questions.”

Amy: “You’re asking them using the word, ‘why,’ correct?” Andrea nodded. “That’s likely the problem. A ‘why’ question in our culture is like a hot burner on the stove – don’t touch it.”

Andrea: “Really?! Why not?” Andrea saw the irony in the question she just asked and laughed.

Amy: “That’s a good question! It’s typically because people, whether they’re 4 or 40 years old, don’t know why they just did or said what they did. As a result, when you ask, ‘Why?’ they really don’t know, which makes them feel uncomfortable. People usually don’t want to admit when they don’t know something.”

“Because they don’t know why, ‘why’ questions make them feel defensive.”

Andrea: “I’ve seen that defensive response. So what can I say to learn about their thought process?”

Amy: “There are a number of ways to go about it. The simplest is to ask, “What prompted you to say (or do) that?”

Andrea: “Hmm. Interesting. I’ll try it.”

Three days later

I saw Andrea and asked her how it was going.

Andrea: “You’re right, I actually got a response when I asked the ‘What prompted you?’ question instead of the ‘Why? question. But I noticed there was still some hesitation to share. I don’t know why that is.”

Amy: “I get that.” Andrea looked confused. “Until they know you well and you’ve built up some trust, your mentee may be afraid of being blamed or shamed. The way around that is by giving them a reason for why you asked.”

Andrea: “I need to do even more?!”

Amy: “Helping people understand the reason behind your request is actually very motivating. They’ll be more likely to respond and provide even more detail.”

Andrea: “What does that sound like?”

Amy: “It’s as simple as: ‘What prompted you to do that? I’d like to know so that others can follow your example.’ By saying ‘what’ instead of ‘why’ and sharing your motive for asking helps both of you relax and perform at an optimal level.”

Andrea: “That’s super helpful. I wish I’d known this years ago.”

‘Why’ mentoring

Mentoring grounded on culturally intelligent practices, such as the one Andrea is using, is a win all the way around. The mentor is tapped for their expertise, valued for their growth mindset and recognized for their commitment to the organization. The mentee is recognized for their potential leadership, empowered to leverage their unique abilities and encouraged to think strategically for the benefit of the company and their colleagues. The result is, nearly 70% of businesses with an effective mentoring program report enhanced productivity, due to the program and the fact that, because of it, participating employees are 49% less likely to leave their jobs. Along with these successes, CEOs recognize that building a pipeline of capable leaders is essential for driving their organizations forward and ensuring long-term success. -Amy s. Narishkin, PhD

If you like this teaching, read more here. Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. To learn more about executive coaching, click for a free discovery call.

Photo credit: Felipe Simo on Unsplash

Managing Remote Meetings

Managing Remote Meetings

by | Sep 30, 2024 |

“Several members of our leadership team are remote, so our weekly meetings are virtual. It makes me furious when they’re not engaged. Why show up if you’re not going to participate?!” said John, a CEO, in our executive coaching session.

Amy: “That is infuriating. What prompts you to bring it up?”

John: “I want them to be better.”

Amy: “I get that. I also know you can’t change them but you can change you.

John: “What do I need to change?”

Amy: “Think about what behaviors are infuriating. Then consider what you need to see instead.”

John: “I need them to be engaged and participate.”

Amy: “Exactly. What does that look and sound like? By that mean, what specific behaviors are you looking for?”

John: “Oh, I need their cameras on, cell phones down and eye contact. And I’d like them to contribute to the conversation. Some of them are totally silent.”

Amy: “That’s it. I’d recommend that you set those expectations for behavior in an email ahead of time, along with the objective for the meeting. That way they won’t be taken by surprise.

“Your email might include: ‘During tomorrow’s 10 AM meeting we’ll be [for example] brainstorming expectations for virtual calls. To make the most of our 50-minute meeting, I’d like each of us to:

  • Turn on their camera,
  • Set aside and silence your cell phone.
  • Look at the screen.
  • Aim to contribute at least twice in a meeting, either in chat, aloud or in an email after the meeting – in whichever way you feel most comfortable.’

”In the email, state day and time, a meeting outcome (a brainstormed list), a time-limit and then your expectations for behavior. When participants know what to expect, they’re typically more prepared, relaxed and collaborative.

“Also, if you allow people to participate in a way that’s most comfortable for them, those who are introverted, neurodivergent or from historically marginalized groups can feel safe sharing their ideas too. As time goes on, you’ll see them contributing more and more as they discover their needs are being accommodated.”

John: “That’ll work. But how do I make them do it?”

Amy: “You can’t make them, really. But you can encourage them by…

  • Letting them know ahead of time what behaviors you’re looking for.
  • Asking an open-ended question that doesn’t have a right/wrong answer, like: ‘What behaviors should everybody expect on a virtual call?’
  • Following up with an email to each of them individually, saying thanks for showing up and naming something they did that was productive and helpful.

“Nobody is going to get all the behaviors right the first time but, with your encouragement and affirmation, they’ll get better and better. People like and need attention. If you reinforce the productive behavior, you’ll get more and more of it over time.”

John: “I’ve never sent a follow-up email like that before. They won’t believe me. Besides, what do I say?”

Amy: “You’re right; some may not believe you but some will. Once you’ve done it a few times, they’ll start to trust you. You can also give it a shot and see the response.

“As for what you say, reinforce the good stuff they did. You might say, ‘Eric, I saw you nodding and responding to what was being said in our meeting today. I appreciate your affirming posture and how you’re supporting this work. You and your leadership are vital to this team.’

“How’s that sound?”

John: “I’ll give it a shot.”

What happened

I got an email from John the next day. He said, “I did what you suggested and sent an email to each team member. You were right. Initially it felt a little different but by the time I was finished, I actually felt gratified in being able to personally connect with everyone and call out their helpful behaviors. A number of them responded almost instantly to the messages, and they’re all positive. This is incredible.”

To get from workplace drama and factions to collaborating teams, leaders can set in motion a new norm, a culturally intelligent system for communication. In this system, leaders communicate and reinforce expected behaviors while allowing for unique participation.

This allows leaders to gain the full strengths of their diverse workforce and build organic collaboration and retention because people feel valued, seen and heard. How people feel is essential to growing productivity, engagement and collaboration in any organization.

Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. To learn more about executive coaching, click for a free discovery call.

Photo Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Own Your Difference

Own Your Difference

by | Aug 31, 2024 |

“I’ve noticed something truly valuable that Brayden (not his real name) is learning this year as a senior,” his mom said. Brayden’s mom had attended my program on how to “Communicate Confidently with Just About Anyone.”

Amy: “What’s he learning this year?”

Mom: “How to navigate conversations. It’s particularly challenging because he is on the autism spectrum. He gets anxious because he doesn’t know how his difference is going to impact people or how they’re going to react to him.”

Amy: “I can imagine conversations would be intimidating when you can’t read people’s reactions or anticipate their actions. And I’m sure it makes things worse that people often don’t know how to talk with someone who is neurodivergent.

Mom: “Exactly.”

Amy: “Based on what you heard in my program, may I make a suggestion for him?”

Mom: “Sure!”

A suggestion

Amy: “You might remember the tool I called ‘Share Short’ [she nodded]: Share one thing in a sentence or two about yourself so that the other person knows where you’re coming from. So for example he might say, ‘I’m on the spectrum and not always aware of how my words impact people. It helps me if you let me know how my words come across.’

“I make this suggestion because it works for my daughter. She’s not on the spectrum but her job, as a journalist, depends on her learning a person’s story. More often than not, they have a very different experience or background. She and I figured out a long time ago that, if she owns her difference up front, that can make the other person feel more comfortable opening up. For example, if she’s talking with a person of color, she might say, ‘I’m white and have just my own point of view that can limit my understanding of a situation. It would help me if you’d share your experience so I can learn and get more of the story.’

“How does that idea land for you?”

Mom: “I love that idea. [She hesitates.] I’m also trying to picture Brayden saying that.”

Amy: “Is that because it can be scary to own your difference out loud?”

Mom: “Yeah, exactly.”

Amy: “Can I offer a different perspective on your concern?”

Mon: “Of course.”

Amy: “You’re right. It does take courage to name your difference. Also, the thing that feels like vulnerability within us actually looks like courage to others. Owning your difference comes across strong.”

Mom: “That’s a good point. I’ve noticed that too.”

Amy: “When you bring the idea to him, you can take the pressure off by suggesting that every conversation is a learning conversation for everybody in it. No one ever really knows where a conversation is going or how they’ll impact the other person. Just like I never would have anticipated you and me talking about neurodivergence. Every encounter is just another opportunity to practice having compassion for the other person in their circumstances and creating a connection. That’s cultural intelligence in action.” 

Mom: “That’s really helpful. Let me circle back and let you know Brayden’s response.”

In the meantime

Because I practice what I teach, I tried out my own suggestion at my next networking event. I watched for an opportunity to “Share short” at the event.

“I paid attention to the courage I had to muster to name my difference out loud. After I spoke with a small group of people for about 10 minutes, I told them, ‘I’m gregarious but I’m also an introvert, so networking doesn’t come easy. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do the hard work of joining another group. I gotta keep practicing.” All three people in the group lit up.

One said, “Oh my gosh, I’ve never heard it said that way. I’m gregarious but networking is hard for me too.”

Another said, “I know, right?! It can be hard to work a room.”

And another person said, “Thanks for letting us know. Good luck!”

Two more times that morning I owned my difference. Every time I was greeted with surprise, appreciation and grace. It seemed to me that people, at least in that gathering, appreciated me being real, a little transparent and a little vulnerable.”

I emailed Brayden’s mom to tell her how my experiment went.

His mom’s reply

Mom: “Amy, I love this story. I love that you practice what you teach. I think most people, in those moments of awkwardness, lean into pretending they are comfortable and it doesn’t work well. It’s courageous to show your vulnerability that way. It sounds like your authenticity gave those people courage to own their own discomfort and created a real moment of connection for you all.

“You’ve inspired me to follow up with Brayden. I want him to be in a good headspace when he provides feedback, so I’ll loop back with you soon.”

Brayden’s response

Brayden’s mom emailed me back. She told me Brayden said, “I think this could be useful to people. I have started owning my difference when I think it’s necessary and it does help. But doing it at the beginning of every new interaction feels forced to me. When I do use it, I say: ‘I have autism and I can’t always understand people’s feelings or communicate in the best way. Please let me know how my words come across.’”

Mom: “I have seen him do this, and it does seem to make a difference for him. I’m not sure he consistently remembers to ask how he’s coming across, so sometimes I gently remind him of that strategy. I think it’s one of the most important parts. Thank you for learning and growing along with us.”

Action steps for everyone

 When an encounter is new, you may feel uncomfortable. However, if you’re safe, you can…

  1. Notice your feelings and the potential for being courageous.
  2. Share short: In one or two sentences, name the thing that’s unique about you that could give someone the impression you don’t understand.
  3. Make your request to learn from the other person.

To own your difference can be counter-intuitive and is counter-cultural. Though not often done, it’s what creates connection and compassion between colleagues, clients, neighbors and family. And since corporate and community culture is built one encounter at a time, applying cultural intelligence this way is a means to greater collaboration, retention and profit in any organization.

Dr. Amy is a speaker, author and coach. She works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. Click to learn the skills leaders need to talk, travel and work across cultures.

 Photo credit: Ralph Katieb on Unsplash

Let Them Lead

Let Them Lead

by | May 31, 2024 |

You know that feeling. We’ve all felt it at one time or another. That feeling of awkward or uncomfortable when you’re talking with someone who’s different from you. When I find myself in a situation like that, I’ve learned to let the other person lead.

Awkward was certainly the way I felt when we arrived at the church fair on that late August day years ago. It was already sweltering at 9 am. That morning, the Word of Life Christian Church in North City St. Louis was hosting their annual church fair and school supply giveaway event. The event was being held across the street from our pocket-sized church on a rugged parking lot that sat in the shadow of a three-story abandoned school building.

When my husband, Cyril, and I arrived, our fellow church members were in full swing setting up chairs, tables, grills and tents. After we greeted and hugged everyone, Cyril jumped right in and got to work helping with setup. He’s more extroverted than I am; I’m more reserved and thoughtful. With all the hustle and bustle, all I could do was stand there in the middle of the parking lot wondering, “What can I, a White woman in an all-Black neighborhood, possibly have to offer?” Sure, I was a member of the church, but not everybody at this event was a member or even knew me.

In that quiet moment, it occurred to me that whatever I did, it would be good to sit down and not stand over people. I thought to myself, “That’s a good idea… OK, but where?”

That’s when I saw my buddy Jonathan at the entrance acting as a one-man welcoming committee. He was standing by a card table with two chairs provided for visitors to sit down and complete a short questionnaire. I thought, “That’s where I can sit.”

I went over, sat down and watched how Jonathan so easily engaged with folks, clapping shoulders and shaking hands. He knew the language of the community and shared their skin color. Since Jonathan and I often chat it up, it felt natural to help him with greeting. So, I stayed there, seated at the table. It wasn’t long before I noticed fellow moms, who had come for the school supplies, joining me at the table to complete the questionnaire.

Sitting there, I first noticed I was at kid eye-level. I got to talk with the children, ask their names and tell them mine. The little ones would tell me about their teacher and give me a hug. The teens would chat with me and laugh about their experiences. It was pretty clear the most important thing for me to do was lean in, deeply listen and affirm their experience.

Assumptions left at the gate

Since the first day of school had been three days earlier, I asked one little girl how school was going. As an educator, I’d heard that kids in the city don’t always start school the first day, but I didn’t know why. That didn’t seem right, since kids would start of the year already behind. But that day at the card table, I decided to leave my assumptions at the gate and just learn.

The little girl said she hadn’t started school yet. Her mom, who was sitting with me at the table, looked up and told me she’d lost her job as a nursing assistant. She didn’t have the money for her daughter’s school uniform.

For just a moment I was quiet and then said, “I get it. I’d want my child looking prepared for school.” She visibly relaxed. Jonathan overheard the conversation and offered to connect her with a friend who’s a nurse to see if she could help her find a job. I asked, “May I make a suggestion?” She nodded. I said, “If you’d like help getting a uniform, perhaps you can ask the ladies in the church.” She gave us each a hug and headed over to church.

At first, my sitting there at the table seemed insignificant, but I began to see its value. Just sitting there communicated: “I’m listening up – not down – to you,” and we’re in no rush. You matter. I could also see the impact of waiting and allowing people to reveal themselves, their needs, in their time. 

More to the story

Another mom came in through the gate with her three teenage children, a son and two daughters. When the mom sat down with the questionnaire, her daughters launched into telling me all about school. As we chatted, I noticed their brother was quiet, rather stoic. I asked him, “How’s school going?” He looked down and quietly shook his head. Their mom looked up and said, “He hasn’t started yet. He has developmental delays. I’m worried he’ll be bullied. I haven’t been able to get off work to meet with his teachers.”

I reflected on my own experience for just a moment and then said, “I understand; we need our kids safe. I’ve got children with learning disabilities. I like to meet with their teachers too. Do you mind if I ask you a question?” She said it was OK. I asked, “Does your son have an Individualized Education Plan or IEP?” She nodded. I said, “With an IEP, you can ask to meet with his team of teachers before the school year starts, when you’re free.

She said, “I didn’t know. I appreciate that information.”

I turned to her son and said, “That’s got to be tough when you don’t know what the other kids are up to.” He nodded. “You know, you can ask your teachers to help you figure out if a kid really wants to be your friend or they’re just yanking your chain. Most teachers really want to help.”

He looked up at me, in the eyes, and smiled. He said, “Thank you, ma’am.”

Steps for connection

That day it became very apparent that if I was going to connect in a meaningful way, I had to let them lead. This was particularly true in this context. I’m a person who is White, from a historically more powerful cultural group, attempting to connect with a person who is Black, from a historically marginalized group, so I need to let them take the lead. That way they can reveal in their time and in their way what and if they want to share. This is the case for anyone in a more powerful position – whether a man talking with a woman, an adult talking with a child or a boss talking with their subordinate.

When a culturally intelligent leader finds themselves in a situation where their color, gender, generation or job puts them in a more powerful position, they need to double their efforts to prove they’re trustworthy. This is because it isn’t just them talking, rather it’s them with all their history behind them that’s talking too.

To feel confident talking with just about anyone, you can take these three steps:

  1. Slow down, take a breath and withhold your assumption.
  2. Ask if you can ask a question, don’t assume it’s okay to.
  3. Share one thing about yourself to show vulnerability, then ask about them, listening to learn.

When I listen to learn, I can affirm their experience, even if it’s different from my own. Pursuing genuine human connection, I’ve discovered that both the other person and I have something to learn; we’re both changed and benefited. Letting them lead is also more productive than assuming I know the problem and the solution. It brings about clarity and mutual commitment toward bringing about a solution that works for most everyone.

Dr. Amy is a speaker, author and coach. She and her team work with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. Click to discover more skills through Empowering Partners’ online course and executive coaching.

Compassion in Command: A Police Chief’s Story

Compassion in Command: A Police Chief’s Story

by | Apr 29, 2024 |

“Leaders don’t know what they don’t know about their colleagues’ lives. Their personal lives could be impacting how they show up for work,” observed Chief Carter (not his real name at his request). A police chief in the St. Louis metro area, Chief Carter kindly reviewed my online self-study course, Awkward to Awesome. The course teaches leaders how to genuinely acknowledge and support cultural differences and see them as an asset for the organization. The following conversation followed his review.

Amy: “What did the course either teach or confirm for you?”

Chief Carter: “We need to have compassion for the human factor at work. I regularly suggest to my command leaders that they take a look at the different sides to an issue. That way they can get more of the story before acting. When a leader takes the time to get more of the employee’s story, the dialogue really opens up. That’s when a leader learns what the employee needs to be their best selves at work,” he told me.

“Compassion is covered well in your course. Particularly helpful is the case study of Director Collette. She couldn’t understand why her nurses were transferring to other locations within the hospital group or quitting altogether. It’s a good example of what not to do – attempt to build a team without compassion or considering the human factor – which we know doesn’t work.”

Amy: “You’re right, in that case study, Collette did not hold her team accountable with compassion. As a leader, can you give me an example of when compassion was needed under your command?”

Chief Carter: “I remember talking to one of my senior command administrators, who told me how he didn’t want to listen to a subordinate’s personal domestic problem. He thought it wasn’t his job, and he didn’t have time for these ‘non-work-related matters.’ I asked the commander if he thought that the personal domestic issues were affecting the officer’s job. He said they were, which were causing issues with scheduling, professionalism and attendance.

“I told him, ‘I understand your perspective. It can be exhausting dealing with other people’s problems.’ Then I suggested that by listening to understand his circumstances and showing compassion early on could resolve issues prior to them becoming an even bigger problem later and then seeping into job performance. But I wasn’t sure if he heard me.”

What’s compassion?

Compassion is a tangible expression of care for those who are suffering. Compassion for a person within their circumstances in a particular moment is cultural intelligence in action. Showing culturally intelligent compassion involves three elements:

  1. Notice
  2. Feel
  3. Respond

Notice – Slow down and check to ensure you’re safe. Notice your assumptions, your feelings and the other person’s reaction.

Feel – Feel your feelings and acknowledge them to yourself. Listen for the other person’s particular circumstances and imagine their pain.

Respond – Focus on them. Respond by labeling the person’s emotion aloud. Labeling begins with: “It sounds like…” Or “It seems like…” This language focuses the conversation on the other person. For example, you might say…

  • It seems like you’re hurt.
  • It sounds like you’re angry.

Note, it’s important that you say, “It sounds like…” not “I’m hearing that…” The word “I” gets people’s guard up and suggests you’re more interested in yourself than in them.

If the person disagrees with the emotion label you named and corrects you, that’s good. It’s good because they feel heard and want you to understand even better. Well done! You’ve created a connection. It can be helpful to respond is by gently saying, “Thank you for helping me understand.”

It’s also helpful for leaders to know: You can’t genuinely express compassion for another until you’ve first cared for you. By acknowledging your own humanity – all the broken and beautiful parts in there, you tend to have the bandwidth you need to care for another. The benefit of acknowledging your own and the other person’s feelings, each in your own unique context, communicates genuine understanding and solidarity. That feeling of being in solidarity is what creates a sense of belonging, commitment to the job and greater productivity in the organization.

Back to the story

Chief Carter said, “At first, when I suggested the commander consider listening to an employee tell him what was going on at home, it seemed like he wasn’t able to hear me. But after a few more incidents with this employee, he started listening, showing some compassion and brainstorming steps he could take. The commander told me that almost immediately the employee started performing better.

“What was interesting,” he continued, “is that it taught both the commander and me that compassion for a colleague’s circumstances is a concept that future command staff and leaders need to learn and apply. Even though this isn’t technically in our job description, it’s in our and our organization’s best interests, as well as just being the right thing to do.”

Amy: “That’s intriguing to consider—to accomplish your mission as a leader, it’s in your own and the organization’s best interest to incorporate compassion for people in their particular circumstances into your command. I appreciate you sharing your insight on how compassion benefits all the stakeholders in police work.”

Chief Carter kindly added, “I want to offer my sincere appreciation for your endeavor to unite diverse groups by prompting needed discussions on sensitive topics. Your compassion and motivation to bring people together is a testament to your good core values and is evident throughout your course.”

Amy: “Thank you, Chief Carter. Coming from someone in your position of influence, your words mean so much. I appreciate how you’re using compassion and cultural intelligence in the vital work you do to keep the public safe.” –Amy Narishkin, PhD

Dr. Amy is a speaker, author and coach. She and her team work with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. Click here to learn more about Empowering Partners’ online course and executive coaching.

Three Steps to Bridge the Political Divide

Three Steps to Bridge the Political Divide

by | Mar 30, 2024 |

“No matter who wins the upcoming election, there’s going to be a need for healing in this country,” said Dr. Eduardo Sanchez, Chief Medical Officer for Prevention at the American Heart Association. After attending my presentation, Eduardo said, “Cultural intelligence is an answer to the political divide.”

I asked him: “I think so too, but what prompts you to say that?”

Eduardo: “The root cause of the political divide is binary thinking. Binary thinking is a false narrative. There’s always more to the story about a person or problem. With cultural intelligence, you’re teaching people to really listen to others, learn their story and seek common ground. It’s like the middle space that overlaps the parts in a Venn diagram. Until you share your story and describe the nuance of your thinking, neither of you can imagine there’s common ground between you.”

Amy: “I like your analogy of the Venn Diagram. That helps me picture this. We don’t have to agree on all points; we can listen and find out where our thoughts, feelings and values overlap. Eduardo, what do you do when someone makes a strong statement that’s off-putting or maddening to you?”

Eduardo: “How does anyone engage in conversations with people who seem to completely disagree or are caught up in an exclusive agenda? You have to dig down with that person and learn more about their perspective. I often discover that they too care for people.

“I’ve heard people say that what makes Latinos unique is that they love to dance to good music and they love to eat good food. I can’t imagine there isn’t a person or group on this earth that doesn’t like to eat the food and dance to the music they love. That’s the common ground, if we look for it. But with wider gaps and tough topics, you have to dig down to get to the common ground.”

Amy: “That’s where we can be a healer – in our workplaces, community spaces, and homes – and figure out what brings us together. What is the divisor – the dividing factor – in a conversation?”

Eduardo: “I can give you an example. We may not all agree that everyone has the right to have health insurance but it is true that the lifespan in the U.S. is shorter overall than in most other Western countries. We can probably agree that there are health challenges that need to be addressed and identify the problem or pain point we can agree on. Then work from there.”

Amy: “So the problem or pain we want to solve is what leads us to the common ground where we can meet?”

Eduardo: “Yes. There are two places where we get hung up and run into division – 1) when we’re trying to figure out the cause of the problem and 2) when we’re trying to determine what the solution should be. For the sake of healing or coming back together, we need to set aside what we think caused the problem and what we think will be the solution and instead figure out the pain we want to address.”

Amy: “So rather than getting hung up on a battle-ground issue, we can focus on finding the pain we can agree on that we’d like to address. Can you share an example?”

Eduardo: “Books in libraries is a battle-ground issue. If you think about it, the number of books people are concerned about isn’t really that many. Instead, let’s focus on an issue I think we can all agree on: all children should be able to read at least at grade level.”

Amy: “You’re right, so many of us can agree that children should be able to read at least at grade level. I’m curious, what prompts you, as a medical doctor, to be thinking about getting kids reading?”

Eduardo: “After I finished my residency, I was a doctor in clinical care for 10 years, serving low-income families mostly without insurance. It turns out that level of education predicts health. More education results in better health for so many reasons.

“Back to kids and reading. It also turns out that kids in households with lower income are less likely to have books in their homes. There’s a correlation between the number of books in the home and how kids do in school. More books equal higher vocabulary in kindergarten, which increases the likelihood of reading on grade level by third grade, which means a higher likelihood of graduating from high school.

“This cascade sets the stage for at least one year of higher education or certificate training. At least one year of higher education or training equals a longer life. So, instead of sample drugs, I had children’s books in my exam rooms. Each child got a book before they left my office. For younger children, I’d tell the parents that by reading books to their kids, the kids will…

  • Enter school with more vocabulary
  • Grow greater a bond with them [their parents]
  • Realize that, between the front and back covers, there’s an adventure.

“Some parents were embarrassed that they couldn’t read. I’d tell them that their kids didn’t know whether or not they could read. I’d say, “Use the pictures and make up a story. Your child will learn words, bond with you, and enjoy an adventure. That would satisfy them.”

Amy: “While you treated individual medical issues, you also took the opportunity to address a public health issue.”

Eduardo: “Yes. Books improve long-term health outcomes. The point is, getting kids reading is something we can all agree is worth addressing. I hope this helps.”

Amy: “It does! Thank you for helping me see how you’re using cultural intelligence – compassion for another’s context – to find common ground with a person with whom you may initially disagree.”

To recap, here are three steps for overcoming division and creating change together:

  1. Rather than focusing on the battle-ground issue, seek a common-ground problem. You can ask: “What’s the pain or problem that is upsetting to us both?”
  2. Don’t strive to convert, seek to cooperate. You can ask: “What can we do together to address the pain?”
  3. Speak to the dignity within each person. You can ask: “How can we learn more so that all the stakeholders are involved in the eventual solution?”

Eduardo is right, cultural intelligence offers a path to seek a shared understanding and mutual appreciation. No doubt, these three steps take time, tenacity and tenderness. The best part though is that these three steps lead to win-win scenarios that bridge divides and nourish human connection in workplaces and community spaces. That’s what creates a sense of safety and belonging in any organization.

To learn more tools that create a sense of safety, belonging and connection in just six thirty-minute sessions, individual employees and work teams can take my online course, Awkward to Awesome. Hosted by MaryvilleWorks, the course provides innovative, market-relevant workforce development solutions designed to meet your needs and complement your business strategy.

 Photo by Manuel Mnvx on Unsplash

‘Why don’t you think before before you speak?’

‘Why don’t you think before before you speak?’

by | Feb 27, 2024 |

“Why don’t you think before you speak?”
Maybe you were chastised with that question as a kid.
Or maybe that was a thought about a colleague, client or cousin.

What exactly does it mean to “think before you speak”?
What can you think about before you speak?

With cultural intelligence, each encounter is a chance to learn
Learn about the other person’s context.
Learn about their experience.

Why bother?
That’s how you flip assuming to knowing.
That’s how you uncover what’s up and what’s hurting.
That’s how your gaze softens.
That’s how you create connection.

When someone says something off-putting, demeaning or maddening:
“Think before you speak” and act.
Slow down and take a breath.
Maybe take three deep breaths to buy you a moment,
To drop your heart rate.

With that softer gaze, you could gently ask…
“How’d you feel about that?”
“What happened?”
“What’s going on for you?”

Then hear them all … the … way … out. Because…
It’s in their answer you discover their circumstances.
It’s in their story you uncover compassion.
It’s thinking before speaking that…
Bridges divides and…
Nourishes human connection.

To learn more tools, take my online course, Awkward to Awesome. Discover two tools in each of the six 30-minute sessions to bridge divides and generate more productivity, engagement and commitment in any workplace and community. Hosted by Maryville University.

 

  1. Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash
Maximize Group Engagement

Maximize Group Engagement

by | Jan 31, 2024 |

“People keep turning our meeting into a political debate. No one is listening to anyone,” said Lillian, a middle manager. She asked, “I want to facilitate a discussion where everyone feels included and we all learn from one another. Is that even possible?”

“Absolutely,” I said, “No one needs to railroad people and no one needs to feel left out or pushed out. While you can’t control others’ behavior, you can provide the structure to maximize group engagement and care for each team member. Do you want me to suggest a structure you can try?”

Lillian said, “Yes, please.”

The structure

The structure provides the space for everyone to slow down and shift mindless reaction to thoughtful response. The structure includes:

  1. Background information
  2. Communication guidelines
  3. Steps for implementation

Background information

Even when people are conscious of cultural differences, unconscious assumptions can kick in even before we realize it and block communication. For example, studies show both men and women are more likely to interrupt and talk over girls and women than they are over boys and men. Since this is true even in scripted television shows and movies, we need to be aware of the impact unconscious practices can have in group settings.(1)

It’s not only happening to women, however.

It may be helpful to know that people from any historically marginalized group, women, people of color and those who are differently abled, may hesitate to speak up for fear of retaliation, misrepresentation, social isolation or job loss, even when they’re asked to speak up.

Being alert to this is especially important for those of us who are part of the dominant culture. In the U.S., people of dominant culture can inadvertently make ourselves the center of the conversation, interrupt others and offer unsolicited solutions. We can come across as the knowers rather than the learners and the speakers rather than the listeners, blocking genuine engagement for the whole group in general and people of historically marginalized groups in particular. Being aware of and alert to our own and other people’s context, allows us to adapt our words and actions to show genuine respect for our own and their circumstances. This is cultural intelligence in action.

To counter dominant culture tendencies so that everyone has the opportunity to speak up, we can intentionally set in motion new guidelines for speech and behavior. That way, we won’t miss valuable front-line input because of one-way communication habits. Here are some guidelines we can use:

Communication guidelines

  • Affirm another’s experience, whether or not your experience is the same.
  • Listen actively – hear the person out
  • Check the impact of your words rather than explaining your intent.
  • Honor confidentiality.
  • Share airtime and let the person finish talking.
  • Speak from my own experience – use “I” statements
  • Say “Ouch” if you’ve been hurt.
  • Say “Oops” if you mess up.
  • Express curiosity and wonder with gentle questions.

Steps for implementation

As the leader, say: “Because everyone’s ideas are important to the group dynamics, we’re putting in place Communication Guidelines.” You can also explain that because these guidelines are not necessarily intuitive and may run counter to some people’s culture, it can be initially uncomfortable for some participants to speak and act this way. But with practice the awkwardness will pass. As the guidelines become the new norm, the upside is, everyone will feel more valued, heard and seen. A genuine authenticity among the group members can show up, along with ever greater engagement and collaboration. Here are some steps you can now take:

  1. Post the Communication Guidelines and ensure everyone has their own copy.
  2. Ask someone to read them aloud.
  3. Review each guideline and ask for examples of what each one might sound like.
  4. Begin your discussion by asking an open-ended question, such as: “What are the needs?” or “Who does this work impact?”
  5. Express appreciation out loud regularly (especially at first) when someone uses a guideline.

Conclusion

The leader whose discussion kept dissolving into politics called back to tell me how well her next meeting went. She was thrilled that, as she introduced and gently enforced the Guidelines, no one railroaded the conversation. Everyone stayed on topic. Participants allowed each other to finish their ideas and affirmed one another’s experiences – even if they didn’t agree. She said, “Now, rather than dreading the next meeting, I can’t wait to get back to the group and keep the conversation rolling.”

Engagement, productivity and collaboration all get dinged when conversations take a bad turn. To get from workplace drama and factions to collaborating teams, we can set in motion a new norm, a culturally intelligent system for communication. This allows leaders to gain the full strengths of their diverse workforce and build organic collaboration and retention because people feel valued, seen and heard. How people feel is essential to growing productivity, engagement and collaboration in any organization.  -Amy Narishkin, PhD

So often people just don’t have the language or skills to talk and work with people who seem different. Self-study can be a great way to get started. Click to learn more about Empowering Partners’ new online self-study course: Awkward to Awesome: Boost Productivity, Diversity and Collaboration with Cultural Intelligence.

References:

  1. Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage Becomes Her. New York: Atria Books
  2. Distefano, J. & Mazevski, M. (2012). “Creating Value with Diverse Teams in Global Management.” Organizational Dynamics: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2000-02735-004
  3. Hunt, V., Prince, S., Dixon-Fyle, S. & Yee, L (2017) Delivering Through Diversity. New York: McKinsey & Co.
Police Chief Critiques Cultural Intelligence Course

Police Chief Critiques Cultural Intelligence Course

by | Jan 10, 2024 |

Empowering Partners, LLC is pleased to announce we’ve just launched a complete online self-study course, “Awkward to Awesome: Boost Productivity, Diversity and Collaboration with Cultural Intelligence,” on how to acknowledge and support cultural differences and see them as an asset for your organization. Chief Carter (not his real name at his request), a police chief in the St. Louis metro area, was kind enough to be an early reviewer of the course. The following conversation followed his critique.

Chief Carter said: “We need to overcome the ‘defensive posturing’ of people in my profession. I find police officers actually do want to explore the topics of policing and race, diversity, bias and minority engagement but are unsure of how to engage. So often though conversations don’t get past judgment, blame and finger-pointing which is what puts people on the defensive. So I’m always looking for ways to learn how we can be and do better.”

Amy: “I understand. Blame and shame drive people away. Can you give me an example of what you’re on the lookout for?”

Chief Carter: “Last year I was at a Police Chief conference with over 100 Police Chiefs and over 100 School Resource Officers. The Anti-Defamation League [ADL] offers a course entitled ‘Implicit Bias.’ Only seven of us showed up for the class and perhaps two of us were Police Chiefs. I think so few showed up because of that perception: ‘This’ll just be another one of those classes where we’ll be criticized and judged for being in law enforcement.’

During the class, I noticed a lot of engagement, though, because the instructors from the ADL were accepting and not judging. They asked questions and allowed the participants to share their perspectives and become educated on issues that relate to law enforcement. It was a great interaction, but that perception of blame prevented many from attending.”

Amy: “Sounds like acceptance and #curiosity opened up an opportunity for constructive conversation, at least for those showed up. Too bad more conversations aren’t like that.”

Chief Carter: “Yes, that’s why I like how you started your online course teaching openness and curiosity. I like the five C’s for constructive conversation. ”He was talking about…

  1. Curiosity
  2. Contemplation
  3. Courage
  4. Context
  5. Compassion

“I think this is an accurate description of what it takes to stay open and talk through tough topics with people who have different opinions. In your course, I like how you immediately provide an example of how to use the 5 C’s to overcome the defensiveness people feel—and not just people in law enforcement. Your story “Connection, not Correction” is a good example of the kind of interaction that’s possible with cultural intelligence.”

Amy: “How do you use curiosity?”

Chief Carter: “This definition from your course is good, ‘Curiosity is the interest, intrigue and wonder about people, places and systems that are new and different.’ When I read that definition, I was reminded of the two Black coordinators I worked with from a group called Stand United. They came to our area for a protest march. After the protest, they asked to talk with me and other police chiefs about law enforcement perspectives, culture and reform.

I recall many police officers and their chiefs and the people representing Stand United wanted to engage in these discussions. We were all genuinely curious and recognized the opportunity to learn more about the other side. We were all in the same boat—we wanted to be educated on the other culture without being criticized or judged. This led to amazing discussions and understanding for both groups.”

Amy: “It’s awesome how you all were able to overcome any defensiveness and learn together. To come to that place of shared understanding, it sounds like everyone was more than just curious. It took #courage to slow down and open up the space for listening and learning together. In that space, you found #compassion for each other’s different contexts and vantage points. All five C’s were in play there.

“Was there a part of the course that helped you slow down to learn more about each other?”

Chief Carter: “Two things. I liked the one-minute meditation videos. They’re of high value in my opinion, because they allow reflection and focus. We have training where they teach us combat breathing for high-stress situations. Also, I liked the questions you have in the section, ‘How to Express Curiosity and Wonder.’ You said: ‘To get more information so you can appreciate about another person’s experience, you can ask:

  • Do you mind if I ask you a question?
  • What has been your experience?
  • How did you feel about that?
  • What was the impact of my words’

“That was helpful, especially the last question. Law enforcement, and people in general, don’t realize how their words are coming across to other people.”

Amy: “It sounds like you’ve become aware of the impact of words. Do you have an example?”

Chief Carter: “In our talks between minority communities and law enforcement, we’ve discussed ‘trigger words,’ words that can instantly put people on the defensive and yet we have no idea of their impact. I noticed one of the first things you did in the course was build a common vocabulary.

“When I was talking to a member of the Black community, he relayed to us that he felt defensive when he heard a White person say ‘All Lives Matter.’ To him, the White person was minimizing the traumatic history of Blacks in America. Similarly, I’ve had White people who have said that they felt the term ‘Black Lives Matter’ minimized their belief that their life was equally important because it didn’t include everyone else. Both valued lives and wanted to feel seen and heard but didn’t seem to know how their words impacted others. There are words and concepts which have been relayed to me through various conversations that destroy communication by instantly putting participants on the defensive. It’s valuable to have discussions to identify these inflammatory words and phrases so we can understand one another’s perception.”

Amy: “It is important to understand how our words impact people. What tool in the course stood out to help with softening and learning how others perceive things?”

Chief Carter: “One tool I particularly liked was the S.T.O.P. technique. It’s a good de-escalation strategy that can be applied in law enforcement and the private sector:

  • S = Slow down…
  • T = Take three deep breaths…
  • O = Observe your emotion, your assumption and how the other person reacts and, if you’re safe…
  • P = Proceed with curiosity and wonder

“This example in the course of how to use S.T.O.P. could prevent many different issues that law enforcement may have to eventually intervene on. Good job on that.” He was referring to this conversation:

  • Jason made a racist remark.
  • Mandy practiced S.T.O.P. and asked: “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
  • Jason: “Sure.”
  • Mandy: “What happened that made you so pissed off?”
  • Jason: “The company needed to increase their affirmative action numbers; I have the least seniority here, so they let me go at the end of this month.”
  • Mandy: “Ouch! That’s gotta be tough!”
  • Jason: “You’re not kidding. I have no idea how I am going to pay the bills while I look for another job.”
  • Mandy: “That sounds scary. Let me know if you want to put our heads together and brainstorm.”
  • Jason: “I appreciate you understanding. I’ll let you know.”

Amy: “Mandy slowed down with S.T.O.P. and showed she really felt for the guy, didn’t she? How does that kind of compassion come into play in your work?”

Chief Carter: “Compassion is definitely one of the foundations for dropping that defensiveness and opening up dialogue. Dignity and respect in all situations work great. I suggest to my command leaders to take a breath, get centered and quiet and then take a look at the different sides to an issue before acting.”

Amy: “Like S.T.O.P.”

Chief Carter: “Exactly.”

Amy: “Is there anything else you’d like to highlight about the course?”

Chief Carter: “One thing I appreciate is how you help people think about hiring, retaining and promoting culturally diverse people without creating an environment where those of us who are of the dominant culture don’t feel left out. I appreciated the section about the need for diverse perspectives.” He was talking about this section:

“When we hire, we look for experience for some roles, but, in all roles, we look for unique perspectives, personalities and passions that truly believe the next best innovation or process could come from anyone, even themselves. From there, we keep shaping an environment of active listening, experimenting, collaborating and applauding mistakes as a step on the road to success. We also build a system to document our successes so we know how to replicate them and our mistakes so we only make them once.”

“Also,” the Chief Carter kindly added, “I want to offer my sincere appreciation for your endeavor to unite diverse groups through the prompting of needed discussions on sensitive topics. Your compassion and motivation to bring people together is a testament to your good core values and is evident throughout the course.”

Amy: “Thank you, Chief Carter. Coming from someone in your position of influence, your words mean so much. Also, I deeply appreciate your willingness to review the course and help me understand how curiosity, contemplation, courage, context and compassion are vital to the work you do to keep the public safe.” -Amy Narishkin, PhD

To learn the skills and feel confident working with anyone who seems different, click here to register for or learn more about the course, “Awkward to Awesome: Boost Productivity, Diversity and Collaboration with Cultural Intelligence.”