My husband, Cyril lives and works in the U.S., was born to French parents and reared in Rio de Janiero and Rotterdam. At times he shares his observations of American culture with me. I was intrigued by his recent remark, “I get frustrated with how mono-cultural the US can be.” I found this was a curious statement from an American who regularly spends time with foreign-born nationals like himself. Then I realized what he was referring to is how many people focus on their commonalities, and minimize the differences. According to Dr. Mitch Hammer, 65% of individuals that take the Intercultural Development Inventory (IDI) (a diagnostic tool that measures an individual or organization’s inter-cultural proficiency) are in the developmental stage of Minimization. Minimization highlights the tendency to focus on commonalities across cultures that can mask important cultural differences in values, perceptions and behaviors.

Developmental Stages of Intercultural Competence

“Intercultural competence is the capability to accurately understand and adapt behavior to
cultural difference and commonality.” Hammer says. Competence is measured in five developmental stages:

1. Denial (misses differences),
2. Polarization (judges differences),
3. Minimization (de-emphasize differences),
4. Acceptance (deeply comprehends differences), or
5. Adaptation (bridges across differences).

Minimization in a multi-cultural society like the United States impacts people of both majority and minority cultures. People of majority culture tend to de-emphasize differences in order to maintain the status quo and avoid conflict. Hammer explains that, “…highlighting commonalities masks equal recognition of cultural differences due to less cultural self-awareness.” Whereas people of minority cultures de-emphasize differences in order to get along, fit in and minimize risk. Hammer says it’s used, “…as a strategy for navigating values and practices largely determined by the dominant culture group.”

As a result, Minimization can be a cause for strife. The result of such thought and behavior is that people of majority culture feel tongue-tied and unable to communicate across race and culture. On the other hand, people of minority cultures can feel invisible and stifled from expressing feelings and thoughts. In both cases, people are losing the opportunity to connect authentically with people they perceive to be different. As you might guess, cultural Minimization greatly affects quality of life and work for all.

The Impact of Minimization

Recently, a corporate leadership team I am working with took the IDI. After seeing the data that the majority of their team members are at the Minimization level, they began to see how that could be impacting their company’s culture and ultimate growth. They realized that if they remained in Minimization, people would:

• Not want to share different ideas, or stick their necks out
• Not be able to grow because people don’t want to make waves
• Become resolved to the status quo and won’t be open to new ideas
• Feel shut down and not valued
• Not experience or feel trust
• Make assumptions about others rather than finding out the truth

Summing it up, a team member pointed out that overall conformity would increase and there would be a stifling lack of engagement in the company.

What We Can Do

At each of my workshops, I suggest these interim steps:

• Acknowledge: see the differences, as well as the commonalities
• Accept: practice accepting the differences without judgment (the differences just are, without being right or wrong or good or bad)
• Act: practice being curious (wonder how someone came to their perspective or how their differences were shaped)

It’s this attitude of acknowledgement and acceptance that fosters the development of authentic relationships where people are free to communicate and get to know one another. It’s also this attitude that innovates more effective processes and growth in corporate settings.

To learn more about the Intercultural Development Inventory or how to become more inter-culturally effective, email Amy. -AN

While interviewing Pastor Sims and me about our monthly cross-race discussions at Word of Life Christian Church in St. Louis, YouTuber Kim St. Clair asked me, “What were you told about Black folks when you were growing up?”

Not much, I told her. Kim looked curious. We didn’t talk about race. We didn’t need to; besides, as a child, when I pointed out someone’s difference, I was shushed. I distinctly remember when I was about six years old, the doorbell rang and I ran to answer it. The gentleman at the door asked for my dad. I had seen the man before; he’d done carpentry work around the house. From the doorway, I called, “Dad, Mr. Black is here.” Before I knew it, I was shuffled to the kitchen and sat on a chair. My dad whispered to me that his name is not Mr. Black but Mr. White. I told him that wasn’t possible since he’s Black. My dad shook his head in disgust and told me to sit on the chair and think about what I’d done. I’m not sure how long I sat there but I do remember being confused about what I’d done wrong.

When I’ve related that story to fellow whites, they’re not surprised. They had similar experiences as children; being punished, shamed or shushed for pointing out differences. It was considered rude. It might upset someone. And because a characteristic of American majority culture is to maintain peace, it’s shameful to point out that which causes hurt feelings.

When Silence is Not Golden

Kim was surprised to learn I was silenced as a child in order to avoid hurt feelings. She didn’t know that cultural framework existed in some homes. She said, “I thought the silence meant that whites didn’t want to be around me, be around us Black folks. I understood the silence meant we aren’t worth talking to.” I had no idea the impact of my silence could be so painful to her. I might not have known if Kim hadn’t told me. I pointed out that this is a good example of why Pastor Sims and I co-facilitate our Courageous Conversations each month. In a safe environment, information about the impact of our behavior is brought to light. It’s this learning that allows us to become more self-aware, grow in our empathy, and change our behavior. Having helped me consider the impact of my actions, I asked her, “So how can I do better?

When to Break the Silence

Kim said, “You know, it actually only takes a simple act of validation, someone just taking the time to see me. It’s like a person doesn’t even see me when he or she doesn’t speak up. When terrible episodes of killing or abuse are in the news, and whites around me remain silent, it stresses me out. It’s hard to show up for work in a predominantly white environment with all that silence.” She gave the example of her husband. Kim and her family live in a predominantly white middle class town west of St. Louis. Her husband works out at a nearby gym. One morning, shortly after the reports of three consecutive shootings of Black men by white police officers just days apart, her husband was at the gym, working out. He was on the treadmill, when a white man came up to him and said, “Man, I am so sorry.” She said her husband just about fell off the treadmill; he was so touched by the man’s words.

Take Action

So that she doesn’t feel stressed out by my silence, Kim helped me understand that I can:

1. Imagine how a news story might be heard from a different perspective.
2. Ask how a recent news event has impacted her; and
3. Affirm her feelings, even if they are different from my own.

To affirm another’s feelings about an experience, even if different from our own is the first of our Communication Guidelines in our cross-race discussions. We do this through active listening. Along with awareness of cultural characteristics, this is what enables Pastor Sims and me to have folks of varied races, genders, and ages learn and grow together in our Courageous Conversations. -AN

Thank you Kim for your thoughtful interview questions. Along with being a YouTuber, Kim also has her own business We Do Laundry in Ballwin, MO 

“What makes listening hard is that sometimes we do not really care how the other person feels,” explains Burley-Allen, (1995) in Listening, the Forgotten Skill. “This usually happens when we ourselves don’t feel heard, or when we have too much to say. The key to effective listening is being able to temporarily suspend our own need to be heard.”

Suspending my own need to be heard got harder when I began advising business leaders on how to develop robust inclusive corporate environments. The more I learned about the need for racial and cultural reconciliation to create collaborative space, the stronger my opinions became. For months, I went through the motions of the active listening steps (I Thought I Was Listening). I knew I could dig deeper and listen more actively but something was in the way. I struggled inside.

Feeling Urgency

Change wasn’t happening fast enough. I was frustrated and angry people didn’t seem to understand that lives are at stake. When I shared my frustration with a colleague, she reminded me that reconciliation work isn’t about me. I was brought up short.

I realized that if change was to come about, it begins within. One morning I sat quietly, pondering where to start. After a time, I felt my anger and then eventually the underlying fear. I noticed how the anxiety felt in my body. For the first time, I was really aware of how the urgency was impacting me. I took it at face value and didn’t blame myself for the feelings. And strangely enough, I felt quieter. In my meditation, peace had the opportunity to settle around me. And while I certainly still felt the urgency, I noticed an accompanying sense of calm and resolve enveloped me.

Later on, I realized that I had applied the active listening practice to myself!

5 Steps for Listening Within

1. Sit or lie quietly
2. Close eyes and notice the sounds around
3. Become aware of feelings, both physical and emotional
4. Work to stay with and accept those feelings, especially when they aren’t pleasant
5. Say, as if to a daughter or son, “That must be hard, I get it” or similar words of acceptance

I had become aware of the urgency I felt. It was in the quiet meditative state that I stayed with and accepted my feelings. When the calm became apparent, I understood how I wanted to take action. I would persevere with calm resolve for the sake of reconciliation. And just as I’d done for myself, I would hold the space for others by actively listening, to facilitate their own awareness, acceptance, and action. As a result, I’ve since become better at authentically listening within my family, corporate environments, and community conversations.

Thanks to my friend Kit McGrath, a Sponsor with Al-Anon who taught me about the 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. -AN

After reading my December Blog, Taking Time, my sister, Anne Collier called to tell me how much she appreciated the reminder to be relationship-based, as opposed to task-based, even at work. As a journalist, youth advocate and director of The Net Safety Collaborative, piloting iCanHelpline.org, Anne does a great deal of listening and learning with her clients. She suggested I write this blog about a key ingredient to building effective relationships: Listening.

At one time, I thought listening meant hearing what a person had to say and then sharing a related experience or offering a solution. Then I was trained in Active Listening. In the first exercise of that training, over 25 years ago, I interrupted my partner twice to get clarification and then launched into my own related story. In our evaluation of each other’s skill level, my partner wrote, “I don’t think she heard a word I said.”

Active Listening Defined

Needless to say, I was brought up short and ready to learn how to do better by my partner. I learned that by definition active listening is paraphrasing the feeling or content of what was just said. In each case, whether I interrupt, relate my own story, or offer a solution, I am putting the focus back on me. To be a good listener, I have to keep the conversation focused on the speaker. I’ve since figured out that when I keep listening, I’ll eventually get clarification. And, if I use “I” statements, I’ve once again taken back the spotlight. So now I say something like, “That must have been hard for you,” or “That’s exciting, what happened next?!”

Easy Steps We Can Take to Really Listen

Because communication fails when people don’t feel heard:

• Use eye contact
• Acknowledge by nodding and saying Mm-hmm or Okay
• Listen for the message, both the content and feeling
• Let the person finish talking
• Paraphrase the content and feeling
• Keep listening until there is a sign that the speaker is ready to listen to you. Typically, you’re asked, “What do you think?” or “Am I right?”

Don’t:

• Pass judgement aloud on what you hear
• Interrupt
• Respond with solutions
• Look around mentally or physically

Burley-Allen (1995), in her book, Listening: the Forgotten Skill, explains that effective listening doesn’t indicate agreement. It indicates respect. In my work in reconciliation, it’s this respect that allows me to work with and honor people of varied backgrounds. Whether I’m helping business leaders develop robust corporate culture or co-facilitating a community conversation, the practice of active listening, affirming another’s experience, is one of the key elements that allows us all to feel like we belong.

Thanks to Anne for sharing the blog idea. -AN

Sarah and Paul Krumsieg, co-owner-operators of Dr. Jazz Soda Fountain & Grill in Lebanon, Illinois, know all about taking time. In fact, it was 15 years ago at their Soda Fountain that they took the time to talk with my family and me during our first visit to their restaurant, despite being in the middle of dinner rush. Ever since, we’ve been fast friends.

More recently, at a holiday party, Sarah asked me about the multi-cultural, cross-race discussions Pastor Julius Sims and I co-facilitate. I explained we come together once a month to learn, laugh, hurt, and grow together. With people we perceive to be different, we unpack majority cultural characteristics that help and hinder relationships.

Sarah asked for an example. One of the characteristics of majority culture is our sense of urgency. We often feel pressured, even rushed to check off the next task. Inclined to defend her culture (as we all are), Sarah asked if that was a problem. It’s not a problem, I explained, just a tendency. It’s not necessarily good or bad, or even right or wrong. It just is.

We Can Choose

Once we’re aware of a cultural tendency, we can choose how we’re going to behave. Otherwise, we think that’s just how we are. With my task-based ways, I used to schedule meetings back-to-back on the hour. Then I began to do the work of reconciliation, helping business owners become more aware of how to develop a robust and yet compassionate corporate environment that is ultimately more productive because everyone feels like they belong.

It didn’t take long to discover that if I was going to work effectively with people, I needed to allow more time to be with them. This would be especially true with those from a relationship-based cultural background. People, in general though, need to know you and your heart before they can trust you and feel comfortable working together. Now, when I’m meeting someone for the first time, I only schedule one meeting for that morning and let things unfold.

What I Do

Just like Sarah and Paul did when we first visited their restaurant, I’ve learned to:

1. Put aside my own desire to be task-based and open up the time to be relationship-based
2. Slow down
3. Watch how the conversation unfolds
4. Appreciate diverse ideas
5. Look for common ground

In her book, The Culture Map Erin Meyer says, “Once the relationship is built, loyalty and openness comes with it.” For me, it’s been awesome to experience this depth of relationship. I explained to Sarah that this was the tipping point with Pastor Sims. He and I are of different genders, races, and socio-economic backgrounds. When we took the time to enter into relationship-based conversations, we were able to discover and create a working friendship built on our common ground of faith, education, and reconciliation.

Sarah appeared intrigued and asked if she could take the time to participate in our Courageous Conversation in January. Thanks to Sarah for her willingness to learn and grow. -AN

When I sat down for coffee with Bob Bunch, Owner of Bunch on Biz, the first thing he inquired was, “Can I ask you a question?”

I said sure, and noted how cool it was that he asked. He was surprised by my comment and after a slight hesitation, looked at me and probed, “Why’s that?”

I explained that in my work around cultural intelligence, I’ve discovered I can’t just assume I can ask questions. It’s not always considered kind. Bob explained that when he queries people, he’s trying to take an interest. I told him that’s what I thought too, until an Iranian friend of mine, now an American citizen, told me she gets asked where she’s from just about every day. It makes her feel like she doesn’t belong. She’s not sure if they’re trying to satisfy their own curiosity or if they really care to get to know her.

But What Can I Say?

Bob: How can I show I care, especially as a guy who looks and sounds like he belongs here?

Me: Just like you did, requesting permission to ask is a great start. It suggests you care how the person feels. You can also qualify your question. For example, my husband, Cyril, grew up in Europe. He worked to develop an American accent when he came here for university. Naturally, he’s interested in connecting with people like himself who grew up abroad. So he says, “I grew up in The Netherlands. May I ask where you’re originally from?”

Bob: That’s cool, but I grew up in St. Louis and want to connect with people. What can I say?

Me: Perhaps, “I’m born and raised in St. Louis, I don’t know much about other parts of the parts of the world. May I ask what’s it like where you’re originally from?”

Four Steps

To help people like Bob look for a way to communicate care over curiosity, there are four steps I use…

1. Ask permission to ask
2. Share something from my own experience
3. Ask a relevant question, and
4. Give the person time to think about his or her answer

Care Over Curiosity

Assuming I can ask a question without considering the impact of my words is a characteristic of majority culture. That doesn’t mean we all do it; it’s just a trap we can fall into. I did. Years ago, when I was getting to know my husband’s family and curious about his French heritage, my mother-in-law said, “You Americans ask a lot of questions.” I remember saying, “But I’m just curious.” She pointed out that if someone doesn’t understand that, questions can feel intrusive. By starting conversation with permission ask a question, Bob opened up the space for me to answer without feeling like he didn’t care about me or what I had to say. What I’ve learned from friends and colleagues of a different color or nationality is that, even if my intention is good, for folks of minority culture, questions without care can be alienating and even hurt our potential for building relationships. With that explanation, Bob appeared thoughtful and satisfied, and went on to another question, after asking permission, of course. Thanks to Bob for his willingness to learn and grow! -AN

How Can Diversity Increase Sales? was a workshop I did last month for a real estate group. After the presentation one of the agents, Matt Kohler, who is also a dad, had a question. Matt asked, “How do I respond to my kids when they point out differences?” Good question. While I spend most of my time working in corporate space, his question is common among adults too.

A Clever Guy with a Legitimate Question
Matt’s life experiences that has made him aware of the privilege he enjoys as a person of majority culture. Although he and his wife now live in a predominantly white area of St. Peters, he grew up in a mixed-race community in North County-St. Louis. Also, as a military veteran in Iraq, he experienced significant cultural differences. With heightened awareness and value for diversity, he was unsure of how to respond when kids point out differences.

How the Brain Works
The brain is always about the business of categorizing input it receives from the senses. We humans can’t help being judgmental. For example, as we walk through our day, in order to keep us safe, the brain is deciding if the people we come across are either a friend or foe. As a veteran he understood that. What happens is, we:

• Associate people with whom we share common characteristics as a friend.
• Have to think again, since this isn’t always the case.
• Decide if our first reaction determines how we think/act.
• Ask ourselves, “Do I act into the initial reaction or can I talk with this person?”

So often in majority culture, we want to play down differences and focus on the similarities. However, that approach doesn’t help build relationships across culture.

An Answer to His Question
Instead of playing down differences, it’s more effective to acknowledge them. We all see them. In fact, our unique physical structure and personal experience, whether they are because of gender, skin color, disability or otherwise, help form who we are and how we relate to the world. It’s not helpful to deny who and how we are. Along with the kids, notice the uniqueness and then ask a question that encourages empathy. For example:

• “I see that person doesn’t have an arm.”
• “That could be challenging for him.”
• “I have a buddy that is a veteran who lost a limb. I wonder what it’s like?”
• “How would life be different for you without an arm?”

Matt was visibly relieved. He told me he was glad that he didn’t have to “shush” his kids but could acknowledge their natural concern. He liked that he could help his kids empathize with another’s experience, even though it wasn’t their own. And although this is about parenting, managers in a corporate setting can apply a similar approach, asking reflective questions with their direct reports.

Comedian Chris Rock shows why whites may not initally empathize with another’s background but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn. Thanks to Matt for his willingness to learn and grow. -AN

As events were unfolding in Ferguson, Missouri, my family and I were in France visiting family. We returned in time for school to start on Tuesday, August 12, 2014, four days after Michael Brown was killed. The following Saturday morning, August 16, I asked my middle school daughter if teachers were talking with students about events in Ferguson. They were not. Later that morning when my high school-aged son woke up, I asked him if his teachers were discussing events related to Ferguson. They were not. While sharing various news articles with them, my husband handed me an on-line article from the Paris newspaper, Le Monde about events in St. Louis. On Facebook, his cousin in Paris confirmed that this was daily news in France. It was unsettling to me that what was international news, nine days after riots broke out in our city and just 20 minutes from our home, was not being discussed in West County St. Louis schools.

As a career-long educator, I wondered why we were passing up on such a “teachable moment” for our community. I wondered if people were avoiding the subject or just didn’t know how to talk about it. For insight, I spoke with a colleague and friend of mine, Dr. Julius Sims, Pastor of Word of Life Christian Church in St. Louis city. He and I were doctoral students together in Adult Education at UM-St. Louis. I asked him if there was a similar lack of conversation in his circles. Pastor Sims explained that the people in his circles, black parents and children, were talking,  but, “…we’re not surprised. The tragedy of a life being taken within the African-American community is not surprising.” On the other hand, the story was different with his white friends. More typically Pastor Sims found that they didn’t want to talk about it.

Why didn’t whites want to talk about it? I wondered. I knew it was a tough topic. Like religion, sex, and politics, it is a subject to be avoided in the majority culture. But why were we avoiding a difficult topic, especially at such a critical time? And I wondered what was inhibiting even educators from passing up on a teachable moment for our kids?

Since August 2014, I’ve been researching what it is about majority white culture that inhibits us whites from entering real conversations about tough topics. It turns out there are just a few cultural characteristics that keep us from talking. However, once people are made aware of what’s getting in the way, and once they develop the language, skills, and heart for authentic conversations, they are set free to develop lasting relationships.

And in the spirit of developing lasting relationships that work, Pastor Sims and I have been co-facilitating monthly gatherings at his church called Courageous Conversations. Together, our multi-cultural group unpacks challenging questions, practices skills for reconciliation, and grows in empathy and understanding. We may not always get it right, but what we do know for sure is that it’s about connection, not perfection. -AN

courageousconversationsflyer

In my blog, I work to recognize what unconscious thoughts and behaviors I have that keep me from really “seeing” a person. I wonder, “What reactions to characteristics such as skin color, gender, culture, and religious affiliation, keep me from seeing a person with all her or his possibility?”  

Because it’s tough to get a cab at an airport for six people, my husband Cyril ordered a van to be waiting for us and our four kids in Mexico City. It was well after midnight when our plane arrived and because I was tired, I wasn’t thinking as much as simply noticing the different sights, smells and sounds around me. After going through customs, we went looking for our driver. When we found him, the first thing I noticed was his fair skin, light eyes, and mop of gray hair, unusual for a driver in Mexico. I felt comfortable with him.

It wasn’t until the next morning that I became more conscious of my reaction. I realized I had felt comfortable with him and didn’t even known the guy! I mentioned to Cyril that I had felt safe with this driver because he looked more like us.

Cyril told me that he had had the opposite reaction. He felt less trust when he saw the white driver. When I asked why, he told me it was because the driver “looked American.” I thought that was a strange reason-until I remembered Cyril had spent his formative years in Brazil and Holland, where he had developed very different concepts around skin color and nationality. In both our cases though, colorism impacted the way we viewed the driver.

Fortunately, we were alert enough to our immediate considerations that they didn’t keep us from getting to know our driver while we rode in his van. But I discovered that while I don’t have control over my initial reaction, I do have control over my next response. It’s in the second step where I have the power to choose my behavior. This is significant because folks in my cross-racial discussions are often worried that they can’t help being judgmental. And we can’t help it, because the brain is continuously and unconsciously monitoring if it’s safe or not. It’s in that second step though, where we have the opportunity to choose how we respond. That’s where our power lies.