Empowering Partners
How to Connect with Your Kid About Tricky Topics

How to Connect with Your Kid About Tricky Topics

by | Jul 22, 2020 |

“I don’t know if I did it right,“ Louisa told me. She said she’d overheard her son calling it the “Chinese virus” to a group of friends. She’d pulled him aside and told him, “We don’t call the disease by its country of origin. It could come off as racist. We refer to it as Covid-19.”

Louisa explained that her son was concerned he was in trouble for what he’d said, but she realized that – because he’s only 10 year old – she may’ve come on too strong and wanted to soften her approach.

As parents and teachers, when we’re taken off guard, we can overreact. That’s a normal response. When we realize we’ve come on too strong we can:

  1. Slow down
  2. Notice our feelings and those of our child, and
  3. Get more information

She took a breath and said, “No, you’re not in trouble. We just don’t use words like that in our family and what you said took me by surprise. I was wondering where you got that term from.” He told her he’d heard it in a kids’ Messenger group of friends from school.

She explained to her son she could understand why a person would use that term because the virus had originated in China – and if other people are using a term, it’s natural to pick up on it and use it too.

“You have Chinese friends,” she told him, “and I know you wouldn’t want to hurt them but by using a term that could push them away.” Besides, she said we’re Italian and Greek, and we wouldn’t want somebody to associate a pandemic with your countries of origin, something we can’t do anything about.

Her son agreed, he wouldn’t want that and said he’d be more careful.

She explained to me that they’re raising their kids to be culturally aware. And when she heard him say “Chinese virus” she thought she’d totally failed as a parent. Which is why she’d reacted so strongly. But when she realized she didn’t have the whole story, she calmed down. She said, “I asked if I’d done it right because I want to raise my kids to appreciate people of other cultures and their contributions.

What to do

I told Louisa that she’s on track. A culturally intelligent person appreciates another’s perspective and changes their behavior to show genuine respect. As a parent she had…

  1. Modeled culturally intelligent behavior for her son by recognizing his concern and softening her approach with him.
  2. Talked through with her son what he could do to ensure his actions are not alienating to people but instead thoughtful and considerate.

I explained that when I’m in a tricky cultural situation with kids or adults, I keep in mind the acronym “S.T.O.P.”

  • S – Slow down
  • T – Take 3 deep breaths
  • O – Observe my reaction, notice the feelings of the other person and check that everyone is safe. Then, if everything’s cool, I…
  • P – Proceed with curiosity and wonder.

Without even realizing it, Louisa had slowed down, taken a breath, felt her feelings of overreaction and noticed her son was worried he’d blown it. Then with an attitude of curiosity and wonder she talked it through with her son.

With an attitude of curiosity and wonder, a parent or teacher can say:

  • Where did you learn those words?
  • Let’s consider how those words might impact a person.
  • If roles were reversed, what would you want a person to do?

 To more deeply connect, when your child or teen shares their response, it’s important to hear them out and actively listen so they feel heard and valued.

I explained to Louisa that it’s important she help her son just as she had. When a person calls the disease by the place of origin, like the “Chinese virus,” it puts a face to the blame, and that can negatively influence how we treat people. We need to use words that point to a problem without blaming a group of people.

Louisa was relieved. Later in the day she told me she overheard neighborhood kids using the term and saw the problem was more widespread than she had originally thought. While she was relieved she hadn’t blown it as a parent, she saw we all have more work to do.

The key to greater connection in a family, community or corporation rests on everyone feeling and knowing they are valued, heard and engaged. -Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

Five Ways Whites Can Effectively Respond in Cross-cultural Conversation

Five Ways Whites Can Effectively Respond in Cross-cultural Conversation

by | Jul 7, 2020 |

When someone is in crisis or the whole world is exploding in pandemics and protests what do you do? Studies show most of us respond by minimizing our differences trying to rationalize the crisis down to nothing, invalidating (often infuriating) the person(s) in crisis. Or we minimize by “me tooing” with our own comparable story or we just plain-old ignore what is happening right in front of us. And some of us decide to polarize by going into denial or opposition. Why? Because we don’t know how to respond.

These five steps help you respond to almost any crisis as a compassionate human being:

  1. Focus the discussion on the other person: “Would you mind telling me your story and what you’ve come to understand?” Steer away from centering a conversation on yourself (your thoughts, feelings or experience). This conversation is not about you, its about uncovering the root of the crisis and the other person(s) experience, not yours.
  2. Be a listener and learner in a conversation: “Would you mind telling me more about your experience? What has happened to you?” Steer away from being the speaker and knower of truth. This is not the movies – a white person is not going to solve all the problems with a witty speech.
  3. Affirm the other person’s experience, even if their experience is different from yours: “It sounds like that was tough for you.” Steer away from sharing what you think is a comparable experience that you have had. Let yourself feel what you are hearing.
  4. Show compassion as you listen. Follow these 3 Steps.
  5. Check the impact of your words: “What was the impact of my words on you? Did you feel like I heard you well?” Steer away from being concerned about your intent when you speak, your impact is more important.

When I first started in this work of understanding racism, culture and cultural intelligence as a white woman, I didn’t know how to respond to crisis either. Without knowing how to get it right, I originally thought it would be better to minimize our differences and say nothing at all. But not recognizing a person’s pain, makes the problem worse. It strains a relationship. It hurts the other person. Initially, I just didn’t have enough background knowledge to understand the context of why people protest and how to uncover the cause of people’s pain.

If we don’t know, we need to learn the history and context of people’s pain. There are Anti-racism Resources to help parents, teachers and leaders understand the history of exploitation and context of race in America. For my fellow whites, learning history from this perspective for the first time can be initially heartbreaking and undesirable. But stick with it. Years ago, my mentor suggested that it doesn’t help to avoid it but instead ingest the information at a rate that’s manageable and keeps us in the work; it’s worth it.

I realized I was going to need to know history to engage in culturally intelligent conversations. I also recognized I needed to get to know people who are different from me. How does a white gal from the burbs relate to a black man in the city center? How do you talk with someone different from you at work? How do you be an ally with a person at your place of worship or recreation? The answer is with cultural intelligence.

Cultural intelligence is the ability to appreciate another’s perspective and change our behavior to show genuine respect. When we feel the freedom to talk and learn with people who hold different perspectives and have distinct backgrounds, we become open to new possibilities for relationship, productivity and positive change.

Why compassion

What I’ve learned over time is that central to cross-cultural conversations is the experience of being understood by another. Each of us has a deep need for human connection. Even when my experience is different, I can express compassion. When I do share compassion, I am working to hold space for the other person to authentically show up, be accountable, work through problems and be successful. I work to keep the focus on them so they feel valued and heard.

What we gain by listening

In capitalist societies, competitiveness is a cultural characteristic that, if we’re not culturally aware, can get in the way of productive and genuine relationships. We can get caught up in trying to figure out who’s right and who’s wrong in a conversation.

We can get attached to the idea that someone is a loser and someone is a winner, and we want to win. But in that zero sum construct when one person wins, the other loses. It’s either our loss or theirs; in each case both parties lose the opportunity to build a relationship. People lose connection. Organizations lose productivity and opportunities to innovate.

How we win

We know we’ve really “won” when we feel compassion for our colleagues and clients. The survival and well-being of our organizations depend on our collective well-being, not our individual might.

Our collective well-being develops with one culturally intelligent conversation at a time. It is within individual conversations that we are able to pick up on patterns of how people and employees may be/feel exploited, side-lined or silenced. This is where the power of compassion comes into action.

We can notice, feel and respond to systems within our organizations and community that are marginalizing, silencing or excluding people. These systems may include a lack of quality childcare or public transportation; a lack of compassion toward different religious practices or value systems. No matter what becomes apparent in our conversations, we get to notice, feel and respond with compassion and in solidarity.

While words like compassion, feelings and belonging may resonate with you as words that should be used at home with family or in places of worship, it is the exclusion of these words in our work organizations and greater society that aid in marginalizing entire groups of people, minimizing important experiences we could all learn from and alienating us from innovation that moves us forward in life and business.   –Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

There’s a Better Question

There’s a Better Question

by | May 27, 2020 |

Why is Covid-19 hitting some communities harder than others? Who exactly has been hit the hardest? These are the questions my daughter Abby Narishkin, a reporter for Business Insider, was looking into for her research for, “The Real Reasons Coronavirus Hits Some Communities Harder Than Others.” Abby lives and works in New York City, but, because New York became a U.S. epicenter in March, she came to shelter with us here in St. Louis.

About the time Abby arrived, headlines were reporting a disproportionate number of people of color dying of Covid-19. Abby wondered why the disparity if we are “all in this together.”

Because Abby and I were together, I had the privilege of watching the depth of research and teamwork that go into producing a report like that. As she uncovered the facts about the number of people of color dying, we felt deep despair. It isn’t fair. With such significant disparities between the experience of whites and people of color, the irony that Abby was safely sheltering with us in suburban St. Louis versus New York City was not lost on us.

For us, difficult questions began to arise. For example, “Are whites to blame for these disparities in our country?” Or, “Are people of color to blame?”

As I thought more about it, I realized questions like these make us defensive, triggering a desire to protect ourselves. They make us turn our attention inward. As a result, we end up talking in ways that are alienating and polarizing to people. And nothing gets accomplished. We do this when questions get tough in our communities, schools, places of worship and work. That inward-only focus can often turn to a complacency, or “analysis paralysis,” that allows those hungry for self-serving control or power the perfect opportunity to exploit the most unintelligent and reflexive parts of our culture and fears.

This pull to look inward isn’t our fault, per se. It’s a symptom of being a part of a larger American culture that focuses on individualism, personal responsibility and protecting our individual rights.

While protecting individual rights is a necessary part of the American collective consciousness, individualism can inadvertently fixate our attention on finger-pointing and blaming. This can keep us from doing the more mature and dignified work of showing up for each other. Determining the root cause(s) can be important to moving, in a time of crisis, from addressing immediate needs band-aid-style, to identifying sustainable, long term solutions. Even in that transition, blame and shame are not required to find and reach solutions. Although often not discussed, personal responsibility includes showing up for each other and for the benefit of the larger community, which in turn benefits the individual.

How to look forward

In light of the data Abby shared in her report, I realized I can use my cultural intelligence to appreciate a perspective different from my own and change my behavior to show genuine respect.

So instead of looking inward, a better course of action is to look outward. To get there, we can:

  1. Accept the disparities as our current reality in America
  2. Express genuine compassion for those who are all too-often sidelined or silenced, and
  3. Ask a question that redirects our attention outward, toward our shared responsibility and common good.

There’s a better question here: “Within our sphere of influence, what can we do to ensure everyone feels valued and engaged?”

This question frees us to consider actions that benefit us and the people around us. Instead of feeling helpless, we discover we don’t have to waste energy and time on self-protection but instead consider how we can make a difference and participate in systemic change.

How cultural intelligence opportunities show up in organizations

We’re not the only ones to fall into the trap of self-protection; organizations do too. Corporate diversity programs are often created for the purpose of self-protection. Pamela Newkirk, New York University professor and author of Diversity, Inc, writes that “formal diversity structures” don’t necessarily decrease discrimination. She cites Lauren Edelman, a professor of law at the University of California, Berkley as saying that they’re often “symbolic gestures to public opinion, the views of constituents, social norms or law.” Too often they become “a shield against successful bias lawsuits.”(1)

Not only to avoid litigation, corporate diversity programs also tend to focus on eliminating negative experiences and nasty behavior for minorities because those are easier to track than positive behavior.

But trying to avoid blame and shame as an organization doesn’t free us to do the more impactful work of building an intelligent culture together that ensures everyone in the organization feels valued and engaged.

Thus, the question is: “Within our sphere of influence, what can we do to create an organization where everyone, with their unique perspectives and backgrounds, feels valued and engaged?”

Within the context of your organization, it may help to know that, across the board, employees of color not only encounter more negative incidents than their white counterparts, they also miss out on the experiences that leave them feeling good about themselves and their employers. This means minority employees not only have more reasons to look into leaving but also fewer reasons to stay than their white colleagues, explain Peter Norlander of Loyola University and Serena Does and Margaret Shih of UCLA.(2)

Their research suggests the gap in positive experiences could account for as much as 10-15% of the difference in attrition rates between whites and employees of color.(2)

What a leader can do:

  1. Be aware of the impact of hidden assumptions. Hidden assumptions are an inherent ‘blind spot’ in our thinking that reduces accuracy and can ultimately result in an inaccurate, and often irrational, conclusion.(3) For example, white people in the developmental stage of Minimization often assume that people of color have the same opportunities they do. If left unchecked, such assumptions can hinder our ability to talk, behave and work collaboratively and kindly with colleagues and clients who are different from us.
  2. Recognize that retention is based on positive experiences, not avoiding negative ones. Particularly for employees of color, managers can encourage direct reports to take part in decision-making and give input on how to do their job. Managers can encourage coworkers to share effective practices and help each other get the job done. And managers can appropriately recognize a job well done.(2)
  3. Utilize career mapping to communicate value. Career mapping is one strategy for engaging employees in decision-making. In 1-to-1 meetings, managers can connect with their direct reports to discuss their professional goals and potential career advancement opportunities, resources and education available to them within the business. “Rather than assuming that every employee wants to work toward a management-based trajectory, open up the discussion through quarterly or bi-annual surveys asking the employee to identify their pain points with their current role, thoughts on leadership and their ideal role within the organization they want to work toward,” writes Tim Johnson, CEO of Mondo, a leading digital marketing and IT staffing firm. This strategy encourages employees to share their passions and speak up about what it will take to retain them. It also establishes investment in them and their long-term future with the business.(4)

Maybe in 2019 a grocery store checker was regarded as having low education and therefore deserving of low pay or a less desirable job. Now we know that, from the factory worker to the truck driver to the stocker to the checker and everyone in between, each and every one is critical for the survival of our communities and organizations. If we are unwilling to fully value our neighbors and team members and allow them to bring their full contribution to our communities and organizations, why spend the organization’s time and resources to employ them? How much is the loss of contribution and productivity from an undervalued person or community? What’s the profit loss on ¼, ½ or ¾ of an employee’s full potential for the sake of maintaining biases that in the end serve no one?

Conclusion

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “We are tied together in the single garment of destiny, caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.”

In a global crisis, now is not the time to circle our wagons in self-protection. Now is not the time to turn our attention inward with questions about who’s to blame and who should be ashamed.

It’s the time to turn the work inward to be culturally intelligent and look outward to the systems, behaviors and habits that prevent diversity from being a powerhouse of contribution for good that it can be.

In many predominantly black and brown neighborhoods there are food deserts, restrictive housing practices and less access to equitable education, medical care and jobs, conditions that are fueling Covid-19’s impact in these communities. Organizations have their own versions of this inequity. They have praise deserts, stagnant hierarchical structures and roadblocks to valued productivity and career mobility based on personal and cultural, conscious and unconscious bias that are fueling attrition and potential profit loss.

Now is the time to grow cultural intelligence in our communities and organizations by turning our attention outward. Now is the time to acknowledge that Covid-19 in our society and quota outlines within our organization are not the great equalizers. As the Business Insider report shows, these disparities between whites and people of color existed long before the pandemic and are deeply embedded in our culture. It is paramount that we see how blame and shame delay adoption of the cultural intelligence that can actually increase equity and prosperity.

Now is the time to ensure the dignity of every individual, so that none are lost and the full measure of people’s contributions are gained. Now is the time to ask: Within my sphere of influence as parent, teacher and/or leader, what can I do or, even better, what can we do to ensure each person within our organizations and communities feels valued, heard and engaged?      -Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

References:

  1. Newkirk, P. (2019) Diversity, Inc., New York: Bold Type Books.
  2. Norlander, P., Does, S. & Shih, M. (working paper) Deprivation at work: Positive workplace experiences and the racial gap in quit intentions. https://www.anderson.ucla.edu/documents/sites/faculty/review%20publications/research/Norlander-Does-Shih_Positive_Empirical_Anderson_Review.pdf
  3. Banaji, M. & Greenwald, A. (2013) Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People. New York: Delacorte Press.
  4. Johnson, T. (Jun 29, 2018) “The real problem with tech professionals: High turnover. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesbusinessdevelopmentcouncil/2018/06/29/the-real-problem-with-tech-professionals-high-turnover/#3c89c90d4201
What’s In a Name

What’s In a Name

by | Apr 27, 2020 |

The other day, my friend James stopped in at the gas station he frequents. He overheard another customer say, “I can’t stand Chinese people. I hate this foreign virus.”

“What?!” James said.

The customer responded, “Why do you think we’re in this mess? We have this Coronavirus because of them.”

James slowed down the conversation and said, “I have two siblings who were adopted from China, and I don’t have a single problem. We’re safe.”

The customer quickly dialed back and said, “No, no, no. I have a problem with the Chinese government, not the people.” Then the customer turned and left.

It hurts when he hears that term. James certainly knows Chinese people are not the cause of Covid-19.

During a time of fear and uncertainty such as this, it’s important to understand how easy it is to get caught up in assumptions, why that happens and what we can do about it.

The way we talk about disease matters, whether it’s a human disease or the types of dis-ease that make organizations sick, and impacts people’s lives and interactions. Describing Covid-19 as a “foreign virus” is not only unhelpful, it’s dangerous.

Why stereotypes are dangerous

Describing Covid-19 as a “foreign virus” is problematic. Ho-Fung Hung, Professor of Sociology at Johns Hopkins University explained that the virus itself doesn’t know ethnic boundaries, so if you’re stuck with this perception that you only need to keep a distance from certain groups of people, you miss the more important steps that need to be taken: maintain physical distance from people outside your household. People can inadvertently lower their guard; they might think they won’t come across someone from Asia, so they’re fine.(1) And when people are worried about being discriminated against, they might feel discouraged from getting the medical care they need. If immigrants are afraid to get tested, that puts the community at large in danger too.

Not only is there the obvious physical danger to the community at large, there is also potential harm to our ability to connect with friends, clients and coworkers. When a person calls this disease the “Chinese flu” or a “foreign virus,” they put a face to the blame, and that can negatively influence a person’s perception and behavior, thus inadvertently alienating a whole group of people. Not only is that not healthy in, it’s destructive to personal and professional relationships.

This isn’t new

At CNN.com, reporter Catherine Shoichet points out that from the Black Plague to SARS, racism and xenophobia were also in the picture. Here’s what scholars told her about some of these events:

  • “In 14th century Italy, Jewish populations were accused of deliberately poisoning the wells and causing the Black Death. We know examples of this from many places in Europe,” said Nükhet Varlik, associate professor of history at Rutgers University. As rumors spread, Jewish people were killed, buried alive and burned at the stake, he said.(1)
  • “The 1832 cholera outbreak in New York City was very largely blamed on Irish Catholic immigrants,” said Alan Kraut, professor of history at American University.(1)
  • “In 1876, during an outbreak of smallpox in San Francisco, a population of 30,000 Chinese living there became medical scapegoats. Chinatown was blamed as a ‘laboratory of infection,’ and quarantined amidst renewed calls to halt immigration. Things got to the point where there were forced vaccinations of people in the Chinatown community with a vaccine that had not been fully tested,” said Doug Chan, president of the Chinese Historical Society of America and Marie Myung-Ok Lee, writer-in-residence at Columbia University’s Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Race. The Chinese Exclusion Act was enacted in 1882.(1)

Why humans fall into this trap

Humans are a social species that has evolved to live in big groups but, until recently in human history, had no understanding of specific causes of disease or the way they’re transmitted. So, to minimize the spread of disease, humans ignorantly defaulted to a kind of instinctive social distancing. Its expression was crude, our ancestors operating on a ‘better safe than sorry’ logic.(2) But that binary thinking about who’s safe and who’s not safe sometimes gets mapped against preexisting social prejudices. So, minority groups often become scapegoats during public health emergencies (3)

We might think that we’re unbiased, impartial and fair and so wouldn’t fall into this trap. But we all succumb to this bias, having evolved to be this way. Due to some deeply evolved responses to disease and fears of contagion, we have a “blindspot” we’re often unaware of, which is influencing our behavior toward people.

In a previous blog, “What’s in Your Blindspot?” I explained that an assumption is an idea that we accept as true about a person or group of people without proof. A hidden assumption (or unconscious bias) is an inherent “blind spot” in our thinking that reduces accuracy and can ultimately result in an inaccurate, and often irrational, conclusion – like thinking Asian people cause Covid-19.

In this pandemic, a particular kind of bias is prevalent: in-group bias. It means the unfair favoring of someone from one’s own group (and denigration of those outside it). From an evolutionary perspective, the bias is about gaining an advantage over other social groups, particularly with respect to protecting and promoting people similar to oneself.

In stressful times like this pandemic, even within their own in-group, people value conformity over eccentricity. The pattern is similar when there is a crisis in your business, and, for example, when sales for the quarter plummet. Understanding this, we tend to see value in being morally vigilant in a crisis. Studies have shown that when we fear outbreak, we tend to be more judgmental when perceiving a breach of loyalty, break from the norm or failure to respect authority.(2)

What a leader can do

Spending a great deal of time in isolation whether from Covid-19 or in the silo of your department at work, people can get caught up in their own small world and forget that other people have different perspectives and experiences. When we notice a bias in ourselves or others we can “STOP” – discover there’s much more to know about a person, situation or organization than we initially thought. We can:

  • S – Slow down;
  • T – Take 3 deep breaths;
  • O – Observe our reaction and the feelings of others, check to see that you’re safe; and if everything is cool…
  • P – Proceed with curiosity and wonder

A solution in solidarity

“What prompted you to speak up?” I asked James. He explained that he felt hurt when he heard the customer blame Chinese people. But he slowed down, acknowledged his own feelings and recognized that the other guy was probably afraid too. So he offered a different perspective and hoped it would reassure him.

James told me he wonders if he’s just being self-righteous. But as we discussed it more, he realized that what he really wants is to be part of a society where everyone feels like they belong, where even his Chinese brother and sister have voices that are honored as much as his own.

Cultural intelligence helps us to slow down, acknowledge our own fear and take steps to stay safe, as well as empathize and recognize no one person is to blame for whatever we’re experiencing. This kind of compassion heals and enhances the health of our daily interactions as well as our on-going relationships within our homes and workplaces.                   -Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

References

  1. Shoichet, C. (March 17, 2020). “Racism and xenophobia are on the rise as the coronavirus spreads.” CNN.com. https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/12/us/disease-outbreaks-xenophobia-history/index.html
  2. Robson, D. (April 1, 2020) “The fear of coronavirus is changing our psychology.” BBC Future. http://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200401-covid-19-how-fear-of-coronavirus-is-changing-our-psychology
  3. Mar 31, 2020 “Coronavirus revives racist stereotypes against Chinese people and other minorities,” The Christian Science Monitor. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSUH-ga0XUw
  4. Understanding unconscious bias: The Royal Society. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVp9Z5k0dEE
  5. Dwyer, C. (Sept 7, 2018) “12 common biases that affect how we make everyday decisions.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thoughts-thinking/201809/12-common-biases-affect-how-we-make-everyday-decisions
What’s the Point of Impact?

What’s the Point of Impact?

by | Mar 31, 2020 |

“Should I have taken down my Confederate flag?” Bob asked. It was the question Bob, a mid-level retail manager, asked when he called me over to his group during a workshop I was facilitating at his company.

Amy: “Where’s the flag?”

Bob: “Up on the wall in my garage,”

Amy: “So, what’s the problem?”

Bob: “It took up the better part of the back wall, and when the garage door was up, the neighbors could see it.”

Amy: “What prompted you to put it up?”

Bob: “It represents part of US history, my own history.”

Amy: “So it must be pretty important to you. Why do you think it needs to come down?”

Bob: “After the Cultural Intelligence Workshop last week, I got to thinking about what you’d said, about how ‘our impact is more important than our intent in cross-cultural relationships.’ Because my neighbor is black, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

Amy: “Thinking about the impact of your actions is a great first step in building a relationship with your neighbor.”

Bob: “But I don’t know if it helped.”

Amy: “Did you ask him?”

Bob said, “No. I’m not sure what to say.”

Amy: “What about saying what you just said to me? I took down the Confederate flag in my garage because I thought it might hurt your feelings. What was the impact of that flag on you?”

Bob: “I can say that?”

Cultural default

In cross-cultural conversations, sometimes we don’t know what to say. It can be awkward and even stifling in an existing relationship or in the early days of a new one. This is where we need the cultural intelligence to help us know what to say and how to say it.

Cultural intelligence (CI) is the ability to appreciate another’s perspective and adapt our words and actions to show respect and genuine interest in another. Whether it’s in your neighborhood making new friends or on a conference call with colleagues, CI enables the connection that builds collaboration and innovation in every organization.

In developing my own cultural intelligence, I’ve realized it’s easier to connect with other people authentically if I’m aware of my own default cultural habits. Some of those cultural habits are usually helpful, like when I use active listening or smile when I walk by another person. Other default habits are hurtful though, like how I might put distance between me and another person when I feel unsure of myself.

Often, we’re unaware of our default cultural habits and how they hinder our ability to connect and sustain relationships that are critical to effectively navigating our home and work life.

A way to cultural self-awareness

I’ve learned that one default cultural habit the people of a dominant culture (in a country or organization) can unconsciously express is that of thinking they’re “in the know.” Let me explain why. You might recall in a previous blog, “There’s Nothing Common About Vocabulary,” I explained that worldwide, within every country and community, culture comes in two forms: dominant and non-dominant culture.

Dominant culture is the most powerful, widespread, or influential group within a multicultural community of any type, whether it’s a home, school, office, non-profit, place of worship or country.

Non-dominant culture is a distinct group that coexists with but is perceived and treated as subordinate to the majority culture. It’s often smaller in number (but not always) and is distinct from majority culture because of gender, generation, religion, race, disability or education, just to name a few.

Because the dominant culture group is the most powerful and influential, its members typically set the standard for what is “normal” in a community. As a result, their default is to be the “knowers” in their culture, rather than the “learners.” As knowers, they may not feel comfortable when they don’t know or don’t have an answer. And because they may be unaccustomed to that discomfort, it can feel awkward expressing that they don’t know, as it was for Bob.

But the act of asking for help or clarity on the impact of our words or actions can actually have an endearing effect for majority culture people. In fact, people of non-dominant or under-represented cultures typically appreciate it when I take the time to ask about the impact of my words on them. It suggests I’m investing in understanding them and their experience on a deeper level, thus signaling I’m genuinely interested them as a person.

What a leader can do

In my previous blog, “Hear Me Now?”, I shared a story about how a leader showed compassion. The word compassion comes into the English language by way of the Latin root “passio,” which means to suffer and is paired with the Latin prefix “com” meaning together. So the original meaning of compassion was “suffer together.” While “suffering” may be a strong word, these three steps for expressing compassion are culturally intelligent and allow anyone to move from the default attitude of being the “knower” to investing in learning about the other person’s perspective in a respectful and authentic manner. Compassion involves three elements:

  1. Noticing
  2. Feeling
  3. Responding

Let’s take a closer look at those elements:

Step one: Noticing

We can slow down, check to see that we’re safe and notice the feelings of the other person. Bob, for example, had the gut feeling that by displaying his Confederate flag, he was not creating a safe environment for his neighbor.

Step two: Feeling

Feel your feelings or reaction. Know them to be legitimate. And acknowledge the feelings of the other person as legitimate as well. Because we all have a desire to be understood, it can be hard to focus on another person’s feelings if we haven’t acknowledged our own emotions first. (In other words, if we accept our own humanity, we can extend it to others.) Bob needed to acknowledge two things: that the flag was there in his space because it had deep meaning for him and that it could cause a different set of deep feelings in his neighbors.

Step three: Responding

To find a response that honors both sets of feelings, you can ask, “What was the impact of my words (or action)?” then listen deeply. When the person describes how your words made them feel, respond by labeling the emotion. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. Labels almost always begin with roughly the same words:

  • It seems like…
  • It sounds like…
  • It looks like…

For example, we might say…

  • It seems like that hurt you.
  • It sounds like that made you mad.
  • It looks like that was confusing.

After the Cultural Intelligence Workshop Bob naturally began to notice (Step 1) the environment he was creating/holding. He also considered his feelings for why he had created that environment and what it could mean for his neighbors (Step 2). However, he was unaware there was a process for showing compassion or that it contained a Step 3.

What happened

Until he asked me if he’d done the right thing by taking down his flag, Bob didn’t know he could ask about the impact of his action. He also didn’t know it was okay not to know.

At the next workshop, I asked Bob, “How did it go with your neighbor?

Bob said: “I never asked him. I decided the flag wasn’t that important. Ever since I asked you, our families have been getting together every Sunday for barbecue dinners and really enjoying getting to know one another.”

Later in the morning Bob told me how grateful he was not only for his new friendship with the family across the street but also for the knowing, now, that he can check on how he’s coming across to people. He explained that it’s not only helpful with his neighbors and colleagues but also with his wife and kids.

As with every seemingly tricky interpersonal issue at home, work or online, knowing how to navigate with cultural intelligence is the key to success. Recognizing we are in relationship with someone who has seen and unseen differences is the first step to connection.

Rarely does rushing in as the “knower” show another person respect or genuine interest. Sure, compassion is a squishy word we don’t often bring to work. But if we do, consider the impact on productivity, collaboration and innovation. Imagine the sense of value and pride in work that can develop, which is good for people, profit margins and a world in great need of compassion.                                                                                                    -Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

What’s in Your Blindspot?

by | Feb 27, 2020 |

Russ: “Can I tell you what happened?” I nodded so he pulled me aside and said, “I’m only telling you because I know the work you’re in.”

Amy: “What happened?”

Russ: “I was at a fast food restaurant in town. My wife and I went in for dinner and all the employees—they were all teenagers—totally ignored us. We waited for them to turn around and take our order but they just kept talking with each other. I finally asked for help. After one of them finished talking with her friends, she turned around and said in a derogatory tone, “How can I help you?’ After we gave her our order, she yelled it back to the kitchen, then, without a word, she turned her back on me.”

Amy: “That must have been awkward. Are you telling me this because they were black teenagers?”

Russ: “Yes. And when the gal came over with our food, she slapped it down in front of us and walked away again without saying a word. We didn’t react. We just ate quickly, cleaned up after ourselves and left. I just wanted you to know how we were treated. That’s the way those people are.”

Amy: “That’s tough. Must have made you mad.”

Russ: “Not really.”

Amy: “I guess it was upsetting enough for you to tell me about it.”

Russ: “Yeah, it was disturbing.”

Amy: “So, did you talk with the manager?”

Russ: “Why would I do that?”

Amy: “Because you got sub-par service. May I ask you a question?” Russ nodded. “If those kids had been white, would you have complained to the manager?”

Russ: “Sure, I would have complained.”

Amy: “So you’re telling me that you have a lower standard for black kids than white kids?”

Russ: “No!” He looked thoughtful and then asked, “It won’t do any good to complain, will it?”

Amy: “Well, you won’t really know for sure until you find out, right? You could call and ask for the manager.”

Russ: “I’ll think about it.”

Until I asked the question, to help him consider getting more information, Russ hadn’t realized he was acting out an assumption he held about African American people.

What’s an assumption?

An assumption is an idea that we accept as true about a person, group of people or situation without proof. And then there’s the specific kind that Russ was acting on, called a hidden assumption.

What’s a hidden assumption?

It’s an inherent ‘blind spot’ in our thinking that reduces accuracy and can ultimately result in an inaccurate, and often irrational, conclusion.

These types of conclusions are stored in in our brains, and because we encounter them so often in our own thinking and they’re reinforced by our background and cultural environments, we think these conclusions are “normal” and true.(1) They’re not, though. And, if left unchecked, they can hinder our ability to talk, behave and work collaboratively and kindly with our colleagues and clients.  

Not all broken thinking and blind spots are labeled, but some are so common they are given names. The good news is once named, they’re easier to notice, analyze and ultimately debunk.

One example of a hidden assumption (also known as unconscious bias) is confirmation bias.

What’s confirmation bias?

Russ’ actions were influenced by confirmation bias. A common thinking mistake, it’s the tendency to overvalue data and observation that fits with, or confirms, our existing beliefs. While it seems obvious enough to avoid, confirmation bias is a particularly sinister kind of bias, because it affects not just intellectual or political debates, but also our relationships, personal finances, and even our physical and mental health, according to Terry Heick, developer of the Cognitive Bias Codex.”

Here are seven other common thinking mistakes that can affect our relationships and workplaces:(3)

  1. The Dunning-Kruger Effect

A cognitive bias in which individuals with a low level of knowledge in a particular subject mistakenly assess their knowledge or ability as greater than it is. If you know only a little about something, you see it simplistically—biasing you to believe that the concept is easier to comprehend than it may actually be. On the other hand, experts are often aware of what they don’t know and, in a sense, the more you know, the less confident you’re likely to be—not out of lacking knowledge, but due to caution.(3)

  1. The Negativity Bias

While we like to win, we hate to lose even more. So, when we make a decision, we generally think in terms of outcomes – either positive or negative. The bias comes into play when we irrationally weigh the potential for a negative outcome as more important than that of the positive outcome.(3)

  1. Self-serving Bias

Have you ever failed an exam because your teacher hates you, and then go in the following week and ace the next one because you studied extra hard despite that teacher? Then you’ve engaged the self-serving bias. We attribute successes and positive outcomes to our doing when things go right; but, when we face failure and negative outcomes, we tend to attribute these events to other people or contextual factors outside ourselves.(3)

  1. The Curse of Knowledge and Hindsight Bias

Once you (truly) understand a new piece of information, that piece of information is now available to you and often becomes seemingly obvious. It might be easy to forget that there was ever a time you didn’t know this information and so, you assume that others, like yourself, also know this information.(3)

  1. Optimism/Pessimism Bias

We have a tendency to overestimate the likelihood of positive outcomes, particularly if we are in good humor, and to overestimate the likelihood of negative outcomes if we are feeling down or have a pessimistic attitude.(3)

  1. The Backfire Effect

This refers to the strengthening of a belief even after it has been challenged. Because we don’t like change and don’t want to be perceived as wrong, we may hold on tighter than ever before to an idea.

  1. In-group Bias

This bias refers to the unfair favoring of someone from one’s own group. We might think we’re unbiased, impartial and fair, but we all succumb to this bias. This bias can be considered an advantage—favoring and protecting those similar to us, particularly with respect to kinship and the promotion of one’s own group.(3)

Awareness does not guarantee a change in behavior

There is no quick fix for unconscious bias. Pamela Newkirk, New York University professor and author of Diversity, Inc writes:

“Quick fixes like unconscious bias training or climate surveys—no matter how expertly administered—cannot begin to address, let alone repair, the damage of centuries of demeaning images of racial, ethnic and religious minorities still perpetuated in film, on television, in advertising, news outlets, on museum walls, public iconography, and, indeed at every level of our educational system.”(4)

In some cases, unconscious bias training has increased defensiveness, reinforced stereotypes, and contributed to stonewalling in organizations, all of which has ultimately been expressed through anger and resentment.(5)

Unconscious bias training alone can backfire, but there’s a solution: the development of cultural intelligence.

Cultural intelligence does change behavior. It’s the ability to recognize and appreciate another’s perspective and adapt our behavior to show genuine respect toward different cultural practices and perspectives.

So how can a leader develop an organization’s cultural intelligence and lessen the impact of unconscious bias in their organization?

What’s a leader to do?

If you’re reading this blog, you care about equality in your organization. As the leader, you have enormous insight and expertise about how the organization works for people like you. So you can:

  1. Recognize that equality or “fairness” is one of the most powerful shared beliefs in American culture—that belief that everyone should have a fair shot at life and be rewarded for what they’ve achieved.(6)
  2. Learn what it’s like for people who are different from you and make sure they have a positive experience in the organization.
  3. Hold monthly Listening Circles(7).
  4. Model the understanding that we all have different experiences,
  5. Encourage colleagues to listen and get more information rather than making and acting on assumptions about people’s experience.

What happened with Russ?

The next day I ran into Russ.

Russ: “Guess what?! I’ve got good news. I called the restaurant.”

Amy: “Cool! So, what happened?

Russ: “I asked to speak with the manager. When she came on the line, I told her what happened. She told me that the store was in the middle of a turnaround and that she needed more evidence to make her case that customer service needed to improve. She told me she would start working with the teenagers today. She said she was grateful I called and wanted me to come back to the restaurant and have dinner on them. You know, I wouldn’t have called if you hadn’t encouraged me.”

Amy: “I’m glad I could help. Though I made a suggestion; you were the one with the courage to call and find out more information. Well done!”

Russ: Thank you.

What we know now

Half of publicly traded companies in the United States have held some variation of unconscious bias training; however, unconscious bias training without cultural intelligence does not guarantee a change in behavior for the better. To be effective, training must matter to the people at the top. And then without shame or blame, organizations can train their employees to see how unconscious bias inadvertently hinders productive conversations and actions. To work, employees need to be offered the opportunity to be empowered to engage in compassionate, respectful and regular cross-cultural conversations, thus, increasing productivity, collaboration, and innovation for everyone in the organization.  –Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

References:

  1. Banaji, M. & Greenwald, A. (2013) Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People. New York: Delacorte Press.
  2. Heick, T. (Oct 14, 2019) Teach Thought. “The cognitive bias codex: A visual of 180+ cognitive biases.” https://www.teachthought.com/critical-thinking/the-cognitive-bias-codex-a-visual-of-180-cognitive-biases/
  3. Dwyer, C. (Sept 7, 2018) Psychology Today. “12 common biases that affect how we make everyday decisions.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thoughts-thinking/201809/12-common-biases-affect-how-we-make-everyday-decisions
  4. Newkirk, P. (2019) Diversity, Inc., New York: Bold Type Books.
  5. Storey, S. (Jan 15, 2017) Huffington Post. “Unconscious bias—making millions from theory.” https://www.huffpost.com/entry/unconscious-bias-making-m_b_8771258
  6. Zheng, L. (October 28, 2019) Harvard Business Review. “How to show white men that diversity and inclusion efforts need them.” https://hbr.org/2019/10/how-to-show-white-men-that-diversity-and-inclusion-efforts-need-them
  7. Itzchakov, G & Kluger, A. (May 17, 2018) Organizational Dynamics. “The listening circle: A simple tool to enhance listening and reduce extremism among employees.” https://www.academia.edu/33365678/IN_PRESS_The_Listening_Circle_A_Simple_Tool_to_Enhance_Listening_and_Reduce_Extremism_Among_Employees
  8. Narishkin, A (2020) Hear Me Now? https://www.empoweringpartners.com/2020/01/hear-me-now/
Hear Me Now?

Hear Me Now?

by | Jan 31, 2020 |

After facilitating an introductory workshop on cultural intelligence, one of the CEO’s had a question for me. She told me that she holds listening circles at work so she can be sure her employees feel valued and engaged. And as an organization, they also regularly survey their employee’s attitudes about work.

At one point, when she was feeling so overwhelmed by all the input she was receiving in the listening circles, she stopped holding them. The following month’s survey scores dropped.

So, she started holding the listening circles again and watched as the following month’s scores went back up. However, the CEO was still overwhelmed by all the problems she was hearing because she couldn’t solve them all herself. When she realized it was too much, she delegated some of the problems to her staff.

Soon the staff became as burdened as she was – even resentful of her. Like her, they already had their own work to do! They didn’t need more.

When the CEO shared the story with me, she was at a loss as to what to do. She genuinely wanted to hear people’s concerns but couldn’t manage all the problems.

The problem

I told her I understood the struggle of wanting to show people compassion and yet feeling helpless that we can’t solve their problems. And it’s especially hard for those in leadership positions.

Because I wanted to respect that I was working in a secular environment, I asked the CEO if she’d mind if I shared a story about what I learned in my African American church. She didn’t mind, so I told her the story of what Elder Darline taught me.

The story

A visitor showed up at church one morning, a lady with misshapen head and dirty smelly clothes.

During fellowship time at our church, people greet each other with hugs. When I saw the lady, she initially repulsed me, and I didn’t want to embrace her at all! But because I wanted to honor the culture of my adopted church, I leaned in for a hug and held her tight. The lady responded by putting her weight on me and groaned with appreciation.

Then I ducked out quickly to visit the restroom before the sermon started. When I came out, the lady was sitting on the bench outside the bathroom sobbing. Elder Darline was with her. Darline asked me if I would sit with her while she went to get water for her. I had the same reaction as before; I didn’t want to be with this lady. But again, I wanted to honor our church culture, so I followed my elder’s instruction. I sat and held this lady. When Darline came back, we both sat and held her while she cried and related her story of abuse.

I was overwhelmed with thoughts of what we, as a little walk-in closet-sized church, could do for a lady so desperately in need. Meanwhile, Darline acknowledged her fears and patted her back. When she finished her story, Darline told her own story about experiencing abuse.

Darline said, “Do you know what you need to do?” The lady shook her head. “You need to forgive yourself and those people.”

I said, “Darline isn’t saying those people are off the hook for what they did; they’ll get their due. She’s saying to forgive for your sake.” The lady was quiet and thoughtful; she nodded in agreement.

Darline asked me to find a protein bar for the lady to eat. When I returned, the lady was quietly listening to Darline. I sat back down, put my arm around the lady and continued to follow Darline’s lead. In the meantime, another church member had found some used clothes in her trunk for the lady.

While both women were with the lady, I left to reassure my family about my whereabouts. When I turned around to go back, I saw the lady sitting in the last pew singing and praising along with the rest of the congregation. I was blown away by the transformation. She was freshly clothed and joyful. So I sat back down and continued celebrating with my family.

That afternoon, I called Darline to learn how she knew what to do. How was she not overwhelmed by the situation? I confessed that I had honestly thought there was nothing we could do for her; we just didn’t have the resources. Darline said she didn’t know what to do either but knew the lady would know what to do if we showed compassion and understanding. Darline reminded me that neither she nor I were going to save the lady; the answer was always within her.

The CEO was quiet and reflective. She told me that she had had the impression that she was supposed to solve all the problems.

I explained that in hierarchical contexts like her workplace, people of dominant culture often unconsciously share a characteristic of being the people in-the-know. Because they tend to be the knower, rather than the learner, they don’t listen well and attempt to fix other people’s problems. However, if they adopt an attitude of learner, they can listen and trust that the answer, or at least a next step, is within the other person.

How to show compassion

In my Empowering Partners‘ workshop we define compassion and describe the steps for demonstrating it. The word comes into the English language by way of the Latin root “passio”, which means to suffer and is paired with the Latin prefix “com” meaning together. Compassion means “suffer together.” Compassion involves three elements:

  1. Noticing
  2. Feeling
  3. Responding

Step one: Noticing

We can slow down, check to see that we’re safe and notice the feelings of the other person.

Step two: Feeling

Feel your feelings. And acknowledge the feelings of the other person as legitimate. Because we all have a desire to be understood, it can be hard to focus on another person’s feelings if we haven’t acknowledged our own emotions first. (In other words, if we see our own humanity, we can extend it to another.)

Step three: Responding

When we notice an emotion and feel it, we can show compassion by responding with labeling the emotion we notice. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. Labels almost always begin with roughly the same words:

  • It seems like…
  • It sounds like…
  • It looks like…

For example, we might say…

  • It seems like you’re inspired.
  • It sounds like you’re confused.
  • It looks like you’re angry.

Notice we say, “It sounds like…” and not “I’m hearing that…” The word “I” gets people’s guard up and says you’re more interested in yourself than in them. A more neutral statement of understanding such as “it seems like your angry” encourages the other person to keep talking.

If they disagree with the label you give, that’s okay. They’ll probably just clarify their feeling. And we can always step back and gently say, “Thank you for helping me understand.”

What happened

The CEO thanked me; she said she hadn’t realized she didn’t need to solve everyone’s problems. She felt more prepared for her listening circles especially now that she’d made the connection – it’s more compassionate to listen, learn and trust that the answer is within the other person.

In many cultures, including the United States, it takes just four seconds before silence becomes awkward. So, often our temptation is to rush in and fill that silence with talking. However, in culturally intelligent conversations, we come to appreciate another person’s perspective and are able to adapt our words to show respect across cultural differences when we notice, feel and respond with compassion.

Our collective well-being develops one culturally intelligent conversation at a time. It is within individual conversations that we are able to pick up on patterns of why others, including employees, may be feeling side-lined or silenced. Those conversations are the foundation on which leaders can build connection, overcome individual and collective feelings of isolation and create systems that benefit everybody. The key to greater collaboration, productivity and profit rests on everyone feeling and knowing they are valued and heard within the organization.                      -Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

Photo credit: Quino Al on Unsplash

Epic Remedies for a Cultural Fail

by | Nov 27, 2019 |

“So, does this mean you don’t report people who are breaking the rules?” a CEO asked. The question was prompted by an NBC News report: ”An author reported a Metro worker for eating on a train. Now she might lose her book deal.”

The author in the headline, Natasha Tynes saw a uniformed Metro worker eating on the subway train, even though Metro rules state that eating is not allowed on trains. Tynes confronted the Metro worker who then told her to mind her own business.

Tynes posted a shaming tweet with the Metro worker’s picture on Twitter. Other Twitter users replied saying that Metro workers don’t really get time for meals, creating a backlash against the author. Despite the fact that she apologized and deleted the Tweet, Tynes’ publisher saw the backlash and canceled her book deal.

Both Tynes and the Metro worker are people of color. The irony is that, in this new media environment of ours, a misstep can destroy a person’s livelihood. To understand why and how this situation became so destructive, we need more information about how people can effectively navigate cross-cultural conversations.

Background information

In a previous blog post, “There’s Nothing Common About Vocabulary,” I explored how developing a common vocabulary builds trust and shared-understanding, which leads to greater collaboration, productivity and innovation in an organization. I explained that one of the best ways to develop a common vocabulary is for a leader to start with the Intercultural Development Inventory® (IDI®) developed by Dr. Mitch Hammer.

The IDI, a 50-item on-line inventory, assesses an individual and group’s ability to effectively navigate cross-cultural conversations. This is done by measuring five core mindsets and associated behaviors for engaging diversity and creating an inclusive environment. The five core mindsets include: Denial, Polarization, Minimization, Acceptance or Adaptation.(2)

Five stages of cultural intelligence

The early stages of Denial and Polarization are mono-cultural mindsets.

  1. People and groups in Denial are committed to their own cultural values and practices and may not notice biases and deeper cultural patterns. When Denial is present in the workplace, people from diverse backgrounds often feel ignored.(2)
  2. People and groups in Polarization tend to be overly critical of cultural differences from an “us versus them” viewpoint. When Polarization is present in the workplace employees hear phrases like, “this is how we do things around here.” As a result, people can feel uncomfortable because cultural differences are seen as an obstacle or inferior.(2)

A mono-cultural mindset produces an assimilationist approach to staffing where minority talent is expected to fit into a workplace largely defined by the dominant cultural group. In that kind of workplace, assimilation can take the form of “sink or swim” for new hires. Leaders with this mindset typically assume new hires can figure out how things are done in an organization, “just like they did.” This can have negative consequences; individuals with diverse backgrounds can be left feeling ignored and uncomfortable, experiencing a sense of bias because their contributions go unrecognized.(2)

Minimization is the transitional stage from a mono-cultural to a multicultural mindset.

  1. People and groups in Minimization value commonalities and de-emphasize difference, resulting in a lack of deeper understanding of cultural differences. With a Minimization mindset, leadership tends to use a universalist approach by focusing on the elimination of bias through common policies that assure equal opportunity for all. While this can improve cross-cultural relationships, this mindset does not value diverse perspectives or how to bridge across cultural differences. As a result, minority perspectives and experiences are typically not fully heard, impacting collaboration and innovation.(2)

The later stages of Acceptance and Adaptation are multicultural or global mindsets that support cross-cultural understanding.

  1. People and groups in Acceptance are curious about and interested in cultural differences. However, they can be unclear about how to appropriately adapt their words and behaviors to cultural differences. When Acceptance is present, people with diverse backgrounds feel “understood.”(2)
  2. People and groups in Adaptation can appreciate different perspectives and adapt their words and behavior to another’s cultural context. When Adaptation is present in an organization people feel valued and engaged. Domestic and international diversity are valued as resources for multicultural team effectiveness and everyone is seen as a source of cultural intelligence.(2)

What can be done differently

The mindset of Adaptation, or a willingness to understand the complexity of the Metro worker’s situation and the ability to adapt one’s words to appreciate another’s cultural context, was missing in the Twitter interchange. Had they applied cultural intelligence, the author, Metro worker and publisher all would have done better.

  • When the author saw the Metro worker, instead of making it public on Twitter, she could have gone quietly to the Metro authorities and shared her observation that the organization doesn’t appear to have a good plan for a meal breaks for their workers.
  • The Metro worker could have said, “I get 20 minutes to eat on my meal breaks in transit and it’s not enough time. I’d appreciate if you’d speak up on my behalf.”
  • Tyne’s publisher did the very thing online trolls accused the author of doing to the Metro worker: threatening and possibly destroying her livelihood. Rather than reacting, the publisher and author could have collaborated on how to respond compassionately to the Metro worker and her situation.
  • The Twitter users who centered the backlash against Tynes assumed that, because the Metro worker is a person of color, the rules don’t apply – or perhaps assumed Tynes wasn’t a person of color and was being racist. For whatever their reason, they amplified their own assumptions. They too could have slowed down and learned more about the situation before contributing to the domino reaction of shame, blame and punish.

We need to recognize the charge of delight we get from “being right” and feeling “superior.” That feeling can lead us to act on snap judgements, victimizing others and jeopardizing our own wellbeing online.

After getting caught up in the rush of being right, we get defensive when we learn we were out of line. Being alert and practicing cultural intelligence, we can notice the impetus to get caught up in such feelings; we can instead slow down and consider the impact of our actions. We can ask ourselves: Is this for the greater good or just meeting a personal need?

What a leader can do

Along with utilizing the IDI® to assess our organization’s ability to navigate cross-cultural conversations, here are a few questions a leader can reflect on to determine if there is a need for more cultural intelligence:

  • How many people with different backgrounds have been hired across senior leadership, management and staff?
  • What areas of the organization are less diverse than others?
  • Are opportunities for continuous learning that builds cultural intelligence offered, particularly for building cultural self-awareness and awareness of the cultures being served in our marketplace?
  • Have learning experiences resulted in conversational and behavioral change so that everyone involved benefits?
  • Does affinity bias show up in hiring decisions?
  • What patterns of attrition do you see in the organization and what’s happening in those areas?

Many people don’t realize that two-thirds of people who take the Intercultural Development Inventory® world-wide are unknowingly stuck in the middle stage of Minimization. As a result, there is often strong pressure for people with diverse perspectives to conform to the dominant culture, which can result in people feeling unheard and excluded, and productivity and innovation getting blocked. And ultimately, those conditions can affect the bottom line.

But when an organization intentionally embraces the perspective of alternative cultural views and actively attempts to increase the repertoire of cultural vocabulary and behavior, domestic and international cultural differences are seen and used as an asset for the organization as a whole.

References

  1. By Janelle Griffith (May 12, 2019) “An author reported a Metro worker for eating on a train. Now she might lose her book deal, ” NBC News: https://apple.news/ADXd72a8SQOGONMxgNIj41w
  2. Hammer, M. (2016) Intercultural Development Inventory Resource Guide. Olney, MD: IDI, LLC.
WoManifesto: The Backstory

WoManifesto: The Backstory

by | Oct 31, 2019 |

“Should I make myself Director of Design on the robotics team? Am I qualified?” asked my youngest daughter who is in high school. It was so cool to be able to share some of the research with her. Did you know men typically apply for jobs if their skills match just 60% of the job description; whereas, women think their skills need to match 100% of the job description?(1) So then I asked her if she felt she was at least 60% qualified.

Being great at rendering technical and creative drawings, she said, “Absolutely.” I asked her to reconsider her question. She not only decided to take the role of Director of Design, she encouraged other girls to join the team. She ended up recruiting enough girls to create a girls’ team within her high school’s larger previously male-dominated Robotics Team. And not only is she in charge of design, she is the co-lead of the girls’ team.

Just from one person listening, recognizing and verbalizing another person as capable, a whole new productive and innovative team with new and specific market appeal was born in my kitchen.

In my blog post, “What’s a Guy to Do?” I explained how men can use their Cultural Intelligence to be allies for women at work. Last month, I published WoManifesto in the Workplace, where I explained how women can use Cultural Intelligence to progress at work. Since beginning this journey on how to unleash the full potential of our workforce to be more productive and innovative, the question for me has become how can we as parents, grandparents, mentors and friends of girls and young women use cultural intelligence to help girls and young women become innovators and leaders in reality and amid current cultural norms?

For example, when someone says “leader,” “inventor,” “politician,” “scientist,” do we picture a man or a woman? How do we move our culture so we see both? These are the practical and implementable lessons my year-long personal journey on this question as a business leader and a mother has taught me. If our company employs women, why would we not want to get their full productive and innovative power in this generation as well as generations to come?

The very same day that I published, “What’s a Guy to Do?” my business strategist texted, “I think this is the best blog you’ve written yet! Now, what about the women? Considering it had taken two months to research and write about how men could be allies, I could only imagine what I’d have to learn to write a blog on behalf of women. Little did I know the impact it would have on my family.

With the naivete that often accompanies a new concept, I thought, “I’ll let the people at VoteRunLead.org teach me how to help women find their voice.” VoteRunLead is an organization that trains women to run for office and win. This extraordinary organization has trained more than 33,000 women and plans to have trained 1.2 million by 2020. During the interview, it became clear there was a lot I didn’t know about the systems that keep women silent and subordinate in the workplace. So, I set aside the transcript until I’d figured out next steps.

The book

Weeks later, I told my sister about the interview I’d done and blog I was considering. She said, “Before you write that blog, I think you might want to read the Soraya Chemaly’s book, ‘Rage Becomes Her.’” Before I knew it, she’d ordered the book and sent it to me as a holiday present. Some gift! Now I had to read it! It was a thick volume, no light read. I pathetically avoided it for weeks.

In January, I relented and started reading. For the first time, I was getting in-depth exposure to the realities of the system under which women have survived and continue to live. It took two months to work my way through her book.

It was a pivotal for me to learn that, “every girl learns, in varying degrees, to filter herself through messages of women’s relative cultural irrelevance, powerlessness and comparative worthlessness.”(2) (p 8) It’s no wonder that, “women are prone to what’s called imposter syndrome, which is characterized as insecurity about their abilities, and feeling less competent, prepared, and accomplished than their peers. They are less likely to believe they ‘deserve’ good things, including the rewards for their work.”(2)

As a woman and mother of four adult children, three of whom are young women, I was initially appalled to consider how I’d been complicit in a system that intentionally and inadvertently communicates worthlessness to our daughters. It was becoming personal; I wanted to do better.

I learned that one of the ways my husband and I’d been complicit was by interrupting our daughters. Studies show that parents interrupt their girls at twice the rate they do their boys. (2) That reality takes a toll on women. The most fundamental bias we face—the one underlying all the others—is the message that women are inherently less worth listening to than men.

That’s borne out in the medical profession. Chemaly’s explains, “Studies in implicit bias consistently show that most people, including, importantly, medical professionals of all genders and ethnicities, have a difficult time taking women’s pain seriously.” In one study that looked at abdominal pain, women waited roughly 15 minutes longer before seeing a doctor in emergency rooms, and it’s worse for women of color.(2)

It was depressing to become aware of such statistics about women, but what broke my heart was learning from a friend that she’d been sexually assaulted throughout her childhood and how it impacted her ability to relate to men. Sexual assault is a criminal offense, and the law also recognizes sexual harassment as a form of employment discrimination.

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunities Commission (EEOC) reports that between 2005 and 2015, women made eight in ten sexual harassment charges to the EEOC. Among women, black women were the most likely of all racial and ethnic groups to have filed a sexual harassment charge.

Research suggests that only a small number of those who experience harassment (one in ten) ever formally report incidents of harassment—let alone make a charge to the EEOC—because of embarrassment, fear of retaliation or a lack of accessible complaints processes. Fear or reporting is justified since 71% of sexual harassment charges in FY 2017 included a charge of retaliation.(3)

Workplace harassment results in substantial costs to companies, including legal costs, employee turnover, and costs related to lower productivity from increased absences, lower motivation and commitment, and team disruption. A U.S. Merit Systems Protection Board study from the early 1990s estimated the economic costs of sexual harassment to federal government workplaces over a two-year period at $327 million.(3)

My family gets involved

Wanting to get to the root cause of this workplace disruption, I read feminist Andrea Dworkin’s poignant 1983 talk given at the Midwest Regional Conference of the National Organization for Changing Men, “I Want a 24-Hour Truce in Which There Is No Rape.” I read it aloud with my husband and son.

My husband and I realized that we needed to recognize out loud, as a family, what women have to do on a daily basis to protect themselves, for example when walking alone at night through a parking lot or across a college campus. Until then, our 19-year-old son hadn’t realized the lengths to which his mom, sisters and female friends go every day to protect themselves.

This awareness resulted in conversations about how our younger daughter needs to be more alert for her own safety and our son needs to learn how to be an ally for women on his university campus. Activist Jackson Katz’ illustrates in his TED Talk, “Violence against women—it’s a men’s issue,” how men can use their power to speak up and be a bystander to create a peer culture where demeaning women is unacceptable.

It was later in the summer that the blog I didn’t think I could write came back to mind. And considering what I was learning, I understood why I had been so intimidated about writing a blog to empower women.

Until I began this intentional research, I hadn’t seen the cultural system that keeps women feeling left out and pushed out. I had fallen into the same trap many of us do. In fact, two-thirds of people who take the Intercultural Development Inventory® world-wide are unknowingly stuck in the developmental stage of Minimization.

The danger is that people in the developmental stage of Minimization tend to assume all people, regardless of the minority group they represent, have the same experience.(6) And because we want equality and fairness, thinking this is best achieved by treating everyone essentially the same, differences between individuals and minorities are not recognized—even de-emphasized, sidelining and silencing women.

Without acknowledging women’s unique perspectives and seeing them as an asset, companies will not realize the value their diverse voices promise—because they won’t hear their voices. The global workplace nonprofit Catalyst found that, “companies with the most women board directors outperformed those with the least on return on sales (ROS) by 16% and return on invested capital (ROIC) by 26%.”(7)

What parents, grandparents, mentors, colleagues and friends can do

Because we are entrenched in our cultural default, we don’t see our own biases. Had I not been researching the subject, I wouldn’t have known how to coach my daughter. For example, Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project, “found that 23% of girls and 40%t of boys preferred male political leaders instead of female, while only 8% of girls and 4% of boys preferred female political leaders.”(8)

At a school-age level that translates to inadvertently granting more power to boys and less leadership opportunities for girls on school councils. Because our bias is so pervasive, I wondered what else parents, grandparents, mentors, colleagues and friends can do to help their children to become leaders. Here’s what I learned…

  1. Check our own biases. Because biases are so ingrained, question daily messages in the media of what is expected from females and males. Expose children to images that contradict stereotypes. Watch our language, for example use the term “firefighter” instead of “fireman.” Ask kids to give us feedback if we are modeling stereotypes or expressing bias. It can be challenging to receive this kind of feedback; however, even if circumstances don’t allow for a change, the conversation can be empowering.(8)
  2. Engage our kids in making our homes “bias-aware.” Proactively start family conversations about how responsibilities get divvied up in our family. Take advantage of children’s sense of fairness and discuss what is fair and balanced rather than making assumptions about who does what based on gender. We can periodically ask our kids whether they think family practices are gender-biased, if there are different expectations for males and females and how they could be made fairer. Parents can share stories of how they’ve seen roles evolve in their lifetime.(8)
  3. Help kids kick stereotypes. Kids learn from the adults in their lives how to recognize bias in themselves and others. They also learn how bias and stereotypes can get in the way of getting to know other people. Ask kids to watch for unfair images of themselves and others. Create a list together of gender stereotypes seen and heard. Talk about how stereotypes make people feel, and as a result, can get in the way of getting making new friends.(8)
  4. Don’t accept that “boys will be boys.” Just because it’s an old adage doesn’t make it helpful or truthful now. Too often boys’ demeaning language and remarks about girls go unchecked because we don’t know what to say. Talk about real honor and strength. Point out to boys the false bravado in demeaning girls and people that are different from them and strength in defying one’s peers when they devalue people. Talk about commonly used words to describe girls and why they’re offensive, even when they’re “just a joke.” Brainstorm strategies with boys for talking to their peers about this denigration that won’t cause them to be spurned or ridiculed.(8)
  5. Grow girls’ leadership skills. To contradict negative images, expose girls to exemplary leaders. Discuss how their interests and passions align with different types of leadership. Develop skills: encourage opportunities for public speaking and debate. Have them participate in family decision-making processes and discuss how to take action at school around problems they’re concerned about.(8)

Conclusion

Chemaly taught me that, “women cannot, by themselves, remedy this situation. We can, however, deliberately and methodically set out to grow people, build families, communities and institutions and societies that take our [women’s] concerns seriously and recognize what happens to us is important. Not because we are enraged or suffering but because we are valued.”(2) With Cultural Intelligence we can appreciate others’ perspectives even if they are not like our own and change our behavior so that each of us feels valued and heard. Employee safety and belonging is the means to an end: that of greater productivity, innovation and profit in every organization. –Amy S. Narishkin, PhD

References

  1. Mohr, T (Aug 23, 2014) “Why women don’t apply for jobs unless they’re 100% qualified.” Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified
  2. Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger, New York: Atria Books.
  3. Shaw, E., Hegewisch, A., Hess, C. (October 2918) “Sexual harassment and assault at work: Understanding the costs.” Institute for Women’s Policy Research: https://iwpr.org/publications/sexual-harassment-work-cost/
  4. Bindel, J. (April 19, 2018) “Why Andrea Dworkin is the radical, visionary feminist we need in our terrible times,” The Guardian: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/16/why-andrea-dworkin-is-the-radical-visionary-feminist-we-need-in-our-terrible-times
  5. Katz, J (May 29, 2013) “Violence against women—it’s a men’s issue.” TedTalk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElJxUVJ8blw&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1G2BTMutEy8k6adQ7FAA4yJtf2ydayCJv9xYX5xmAmkoSMYCdTh7NnS4U
  6. Hammer, M. (2016) Intercultural Development Inventory Resource Guide. Olney, MD: IDI, LLC.
  7. (2013) “Why diversity matters.” The Catalyst Information Center: https://www.catalyst.org/system/files/why_diversity_matters_catalyst_0.pdf
  8. Joyce, A (July 28,2015) “Are you holding your daughter back? Here are 5 ways to raise girls to be leaders.” The Washington Post: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/07/28/are-you-holding-your-daughter-back-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-girls-to-be-leaders/
  9. Photo Credit: Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash
WoManifesto in the Workplace

WoManifesto in the Workplace

by | Sep 26, 2019 |

Meryl Streep, in her 2010 commencement address to the graduating class of Barnard College, explained that in high school, a different form of acting took hold. She wanted to learn how to be appealing to boys. She recalled, “I adjusted my natural temperament, which tends to be slightly bossy, a little opinionated, a little loud, full of pronouncements and high spirits, and I willfully cultivated softness, agreeableness, a breezy natural sort of sweetness, even shyness if you will, which was very very very effective on the boys.“

Why did she take on that role? Streep explained that successfully convincing someone bigger than you are of something he doesn’t know, is a survival skill, this is how women have survived through the millennia.(1)

If women have survived by pretending to be someone else in order to be heard and recognized, organizations are missing out on a lot of talent. This means they’re missing the opportunity for innovation, productivity and profit that is already present in the talent pool and just waiting to be tapped.

Organizations that cultivate cultural intelligence enable people to navigate conversations across differences of identity and culture including those of gender. This increases employee safety and belonging as the means to an end for more productivity, innovation and profit in every business.

How we got here

In her book, Rage Becomes Her, Soraya Chemaly writes, “We learn as girls to read faces and other body indicators, and we develop tactics for lowering the temperature of encounters, a process known as de-escalation. The ability and inclination to take this approach is supported by socialization and the practical reality that women are often physically smaller than the people threatening them.”

In the face of threat, we often learn that the “normal” physiological response is flight-or-fight. But that’s a “normal” if you’re a man. While women, too, experience faster pulses and elevated blood pressure, our bodies produce different chemicals which lead to “tend-and-befriend” responses.(2)

The cultivated feminine habit of prioritizing the needs of others and putting people at ease frequently puts women at a disadvantage and can be perceived as weakness. Layered on top of these habits of de-escalation is a pervasive silence around the fact that women are constantly making these assessments. This leaves the men around us at home, school and work often unaware of this constant adjustment women have to make.(2)

Men’s influence in popular media

Men’s dominance is also apparent in popular media. Books, movies, game and popular entertainment feature men and boys 2-3 times more often as protagonists, more often white than not.(2) And men, overwhelmingly white, hold roughly 70-73% of the roles in top U.S. films, as well as a majority of the speaking parts and creative and executive positions on-screen and off. That gender breakdown in films is equally skewed in other countries.(2)

The fact that men garner twice as much speaking and screen time applies equally in our day-to-day lives. Studies indicated parents and teachers interrupt their girls twice as much as their boys. Observations of children on playgrounds also show that despite girls’ earlier language acquisition, by age six, boys dominate chatter – with teacher encouragement.(2)

Both men and women are more likely to interrupt and talk over girls and women than they are boys and men. One of the studies of legislative deliberations shows that women need to constitute a super majority, or roughly 70 percent of a room, in order to achieve parity and influence. If they don’t, they have a difficult time being perceived as powerful, influential, or important speakers.(2)

How this impacts women

This reality takes a toll on women. The most fundamental bias we face-the one underlying all the others-is the message that women are inherently less worth listening to than men. This message takes its toll on women as subterfuge and self-denial tend to do, and we pay with an internal dialogue of self-criticism. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough mother, not a good enough professional.(5)

This message takes its toll on organizations. Without acknowledging women’s unique perspectives and seeing them as an asset, companies will not realize the value their diverse voices promise. The global workplace nonprofit Catalyst found that, “companies with the most women board directors outperformed those with the least on return on sales (ROS) by 16 percent and return on invested capital (ROIC) by 26 percent.”(6)

And beyond that to diversity in general, “companies reporting the highest levels of diversity brought in nearly 10-15 times more sales revenue on average than those with the lowest levels of diversity.”(7)

The trap

Ironically, what gets in the way of that diversity-fueling success is a well-intentioned desire to be fair. We want equality and fairness, and we often think this is best achieved by treating everyone essentially the same at work. We do this because people in the developmental stage of Minimization – who actually represent the majority of the US population – tend to assume we all have the same experience. We don’t realize that two-thirds of people who take the Intercultural Development Inventory® world-wide are unknowingly stuck in this middle stage of cultural development.(8).

And because we don’t want to go against cultural norms and upset a status quo that favors male voices, leaders inadvertently silence and sideline dissenting opinions and different perspectives, including women’s. As a result, we’re often blind to the cultural systems in our organizations that keep women feeling left out or pushed out. This is opposite of cultural intelligence.

Cultural intelligence is the ability to appreciate another’s perspective and change behavior to show genuine respect in conversations across cultural differences, such as gender, so that each of us feels valued and heard. In a previous blog (What’s a Guy to Do? written in light of the #metoo movement), I explained how men can use their cultural intelligence to help women not only share their opinions and perspectives but also get ahead in an organization. So, what can women do?

Options for women

I wanted to learn what a woman can do and how an organization can ensure their employees and leaders feel valued and heard. I spoke with Ty Shaffer, Activist, Lead Graphic Designer & Social Media Manager at VoteRunLead.org, the largest and most diverse campaign training organization in the country. VoteRunLead trains women to run for political office and win. They specialize in helping women gain the resources and confidence to find their voice and take action – as campaign directors and community organizers as well as policymakers. The organization has trained more than 33,000 women and plans to train 1.2 million by 2020.

At VoteRunLead, Ty has learned that everything women go through in life is only heightened in politics – one of the most public professions. Because of that most fundamental bias-belief that women are inherently less worth listening to than men and the resulting internal dialogue of self-criticism–women often and inadvertently second-guess themselves.

Many women go to VoteRunLead knowing they want to run for but hesitate because of messages they get that they’re only qualified to be home with their kids, no one will take them seriously, and they’re either too attractive or unattractive. VoteRunLead does not teach women how to look or how to win over other people, but rather how to use their voice. Ty says, “Confidence is what makes people follow leaders.”

How women demonstrate that confidence

Women can:

  1. Find a mentor. Studies show that people with mentors are likelier to get promotions. Mentors show women the ropes and help them navigate office politics. They introduce them to decision-makers who help their mentees get high-profile assignments. So much of what gets you noticed at work is who you know and who sings your praises.(10) Don’t be afraid to shoot higher than you should — senior executives often love sharing their wisdom with others, and they’ll respond really well to someone who asks simply, “Can I learn from you?”(11)
  2. Cultivate community. Because women are not the norm in the workplace or public office, they need people in their corner. Like men, women need validation; it’s important to have people around that lift women up. Nobody succeeds alone; we are all part of a much greater fabric. So it’s okay to look to others for help, but by the same token, don’t let anyone steal your power and make your story theirs.(11) Ty says, “To unlearn any false narratives imposed by society, create one huge support group.”
  3. Believe in your mission. Own your expertise. Claim your title. And if you’re not yet completely sure, know that your passion becomes our expertise. Give it time, do the research and you’ll discover how important your voice is. And Ty points out, “So often it’s women who live in both arenas, family and work, so they naturally have this unique perspective of understanding both spheres. As politicians running for public office or leaders in a conference room, that perspective needs to be heard.” Very, very often that perspective is that of our customer.
  4. Bring your whole authentic self. To really get to know yourself, try doing a mental review of your workday every night, especially if things have challenged you or made you uncomfortable. Ask yourself, “Was I doing my best and acting in accordance with my personal values today?” If so, that’s a source of strength; if not – no self-judgment necessary, just keep working on it. Ty explains that by sharing their truth and expertise, women gain trust.
  5. Develop your voice. Come prepared to all meetings. Know what you’re there to discuss, and if you have something to add, speak up. If needed, give yourself a pep talk before the meeting, and memorize a couple of your talking points so you’re free to make eye contact with others in the room when the opportunity arises to speak. Positive self-talk can help.
  6. Build allies. While research shows that female executives are very efficient, arriving to meetings on time and rushing off to the next meeting, men are more likely to spend time connecting with one another to test their ideas and garner support. They arrive at meetings early in order to get a good seat and chat with colleagues, and they stay afterward to close off the discussion and talk about other issues on their minds. Women could go a long way toward addressing the problem of timing and feelings of isolation if they sounded out colleagues and built allies by attending the pre- and post-meetings, where much of the real work happens. Informal conversations can help clarify the true purpose of a meeting, making it much easier to take an active part in the ongoing conversation.(11)

As Meryl Streep articulates, women have survived through millennia by pretending to be someone else. As a result, organizations are missing out on tremendous opportunity for innovation, productivity and profit that is already present within their talent pool and waiting to be tapped. But because our culture has buried women’s voices so well for centuries, even women don’t always realize they have internalized it. Cultural intelligence enables us to shift our perspective and adapt our behavior to ensure everyone’s voices are heard. Employee safety and belonging is the means to an end for more productivity, innovation and profit in every organization.

References:

  1. Streep, M. (2010) Tips and Inspiration for Achieving Success, Barnard College Commencement Speech: https://www.graduationwisdom.com/speeches/0069-streep.htm
  2. Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger, New York: Atria Books.
  3. National Sexual Violence Resource Center: https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
  4. MeToo.: https://metoomvmt.org/
  5. Quindlen, A (2012). Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake. New York: Random House.
  6. (2013) “Why diversity matters.” The Catalyst Information Center: https://www.catalyst.org/system/files/why_diversity_matters_catalyst_0.pdf
  7. Herring, C (2009). Does diversity pay? American Sociological Review, Vol 74, Num 2: https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/savvy/images/journals/docs/pdf/asr/Apr09ASRFeature.pdf
  8. Hammer, M. (2016) Intercultural Development Inventory Resource Guide. Olney, MD: IDI, LLC.
  9. Interview with Ty Shaffer. (Jan 2018)
  10. Heath, K., Flynn, J., Hold, M. (June 2014) “Women, find your voice,” Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2014/06/women-find-your-voice
  11. Chatzky, J (1 Aug 2018) How to find your voice at work (and use it), according to these female CEOs,” NBC Better: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/business/who-are-you-how-5-female-ceos-found-their-voice-ncna895901#anchor-Ilearnedtoembracemyownauthenticity